Breakdown...go ahead and give it to me!

(Apologies to Tom Petty.)

You've probably been able to tell from recent posts that I haven't been feeling quite right lately. I really don't know why. There have been some work or school things that I've been meaning to look into, but like I said a couple of posts ago, I can't muster up the energy to want to do anything when I actually do have the time. I can say that I'm feeling unemployable. Let's face it, I'm slow, sarcastic, cynical, and not likely to drink any company's Kool Aid. I had read recently about how France, before the Revolution, would put idle people in asylums along with all the other crazies. At least the French put their Idle someplace, I figure modern American Conservatives would just as soon kill people like me off, or if not actively kill, then at least leave us to die.

I came very close to quitting on Wednesday night, mostly because I'm just so sick of Mega Lo Mart's bullshit. I really hope I find another job before the Christmas season really starts revving up.

I woke up in a really funky mood on Thursday. I really didn't want to get out of bed. For a day off, that's really bad. When I finally did get up, I felt like my nerves were frayed, so I took a Lorazepam. I'm not sure that it helped. As if I weren't already on the verge of a nervous breakdown (or something, I'm not sure if "nervous breakdown" is really accurate), I ended up arguing with my dad. I rarely actually talk to my mom or dad, especially about how I'm feeling because I have a hard time trying to describe my feelings through words, and I sometimes think that even if I could, they still just wouldn't get it. The best way I can describe what I'm going through is that I'm overwhelmed by everything, though overwhelmed would be an understatement. The worst thing that a non-depressed person can tell a depressed person to do is to just snap out of it. What my dad did was basically the equivalent of that. I went back to my room to get ready to leave for the Depression/Bipolar support group meeting, and found myself just about crying. By the time I composed myself, my mom came in, and told me not to take what my dad said to heart, since he had been drinking. You see, every Thursday, he goes to hang out with some dudes and drink. He actually drinks beer pretty much all the time, but he's not always that big of an asshole. She said that he really does love me and wants me to succeed, and I told her that he has a funny way of showing it. But anyway, I ended up crying again, and had to re-compose myself. Listening to Heaven 17 on my way to Louisville helped me feel not so cry-errific.

A lot of times, a piece of music, a lyric, or a scene from a TV show or movie can express how I feel better than I can on my own. I watched the M*A*S*H series finale a few years ago, and there was one of two scenes that struck me as especially poignant, the main part I'm talking about is in bold type. From Wikipedia:

Winchester eventually has to say goodbye to the Chinese musicians, who are to be part of a POW exchange. As they are driven away, they finally play the Mozart piece correctly for him. A public-address announcement then broadcasts the news that a truce has been signed; a cease-fire will go into effect at 10:00 that night, officially ending the hostilities. But the celebration is short-lived, as Potter orders the camp moved back to its original site so the remaining wounded can be treated. Among the wounded is one of the musicians, barely alive after the truck carrying the POWs was shelled. None of the other four survived, and this one soon dies as well. A shaken Winchester retires to his tent, where he plays a record of the Mozart piece they were rehearsing, then angrily yanks it from the turntable and smashes it.

That's pretty much how I've felt this year, in a nutshell. Sadly, I couldn't find a video for that scene. If you read the link, I guess the first couple of paragraphs in the plot synopsis also apply. You can see part of that scene.