Brief update, March 10, 2012

Having a regular income is nice, but I really miss having time to write my blog, or read blogs that I follow. Working ten hours a day kinda sucks. After work, I only have time to eat dinner and take a shower, then I might have an hour or so to fool around online or watch TV, then it's off to bed. I feel like I do have quite a bit that I want to say these days, but don't have the time to type it down. When I do get the rare chance to write in here, I usually find myself too exhausted mentally to write, so I just quit and go watch some stuff on the DVR instead.

In February 2011, I wrote What have I gotten myself into?, where I decided to buy a Lifetime Membership into Louisville Mojo. These days, that place is so dead that I would delete my profile if I didn't feel compelled to keep it due to my lifetime membership. Back in 2004, Mojo was so entertaining that it replaced TV as my choice of prime time entertainment. That's definitely not the case now.

I'm trying to make some lifestyle changes, and the first one has been to try to wean myself off of sodas, in this case I'm referring to both regular and diet sodas. I'm not necessarily eliminating them from my life altogether, just trying to get to where I don't drink them at home or work. I grew up drinking sodas like most people probably drink water, and it's been one of the hardest things I've ever tried to give up. Reducing my soda intake has been easier this time around, probably because I seem to be getting tired of them anyway. The time I find it hardest to not drink a soda is when I sit down to type up a blog entry, or do some other task online that's going to take up a lot of time, like doing taxes or filling out an application. I am happy to say that I have no drink beside me at the moment.

2012 so far...

Sorry for the lack of entries lately. Starting up entries has been easier than finishing them. Other than the tooth (more on that in a minute) and the wild weather, I haven't had much to complain about. It hasn't been real eventful either, since I'm mostly either working or hanging out with my favorite girl. Sometimes, no news is good news. :)

I spent the first few hours of the year with my favorite girl, and I couldn't think of a better way to start it. I can't say that the rest of the day was all that great, since I had to be in at work at 9:00 a.m., and then later on while eating dinner, part of a filling broke off. The tooth it came from was the one that should have just been pulled instead of filled back in. The tooth really bothered me the first few days, but doesn't bother me now. I've been trying to decide whether to take care of it soon, or in two months when I'll actually have insurance.

Work has slowed down quite a bit. I've had no overtime this year, and I got to leave early every day this past week. Next week's check is going to suck, but I'm trying to enjoy the time off that I get, especially after having worked 44-55 hours a week for over a month. One thing I like about working day shift is that I actually get to see the sun when I get off from work early. Before too long, I'll get to see it every day when I get off at my regular time.

One of the perks of having a steady full time day job is getting to go to concerts. I get to see Anthrax pretty soon. This will be my fifth time seeing them, but only my first with Joey Belladonna on lead vocals. And in March I'll get to see a Henry Rollins spoken word show AND Jane's Addiction in the same week! This is the first time I know of that Jane's Addiction has ever played Louisville. Van Halen is playing in February, and I'm debating on whether to go see them.

One of the few brick-and-mortar Blockbuster Videos that I know of is going out of business. Like Borders and Ear X-tacy, I'm kinda sad to see it go. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying the sale.

I've recently decided to give up watching "Star Wars:Clone Wars". When watching a show starts to feel like a chore, then it's time to stop watching. I never was a huge fan, but it did seem to get more interesting at some point. This season is supposed to have some good shit, but it's mostly been a dud so far. You especially know it sucks when Gungans are featured in two or three episodes in a row. But anyway, I'm really glad that I was recently able to get both volumes of Genndy Tartakovsky's Clone Wars micro series that aired between Star Wars Episodes 2 and 3. It's not only the definitive Clone Wars series for me, but it's also better than the prequel trilogy.

Good riddance, 2011!

I've been hella busy between working and spending time with people. I was extremely unhappy about having to work these past two Fridays, but glad that I didn't have to work 11-hour days this week. On the upside, I found out that I'll be getting hired on Full Time in January!

I had the best Christmas ever this year. It's a shame that I don't feel at liberty to talk about most of it here. :D

I'll probably be gone most of the day on Saturday, so this will likely be my last post of the year. 2011 was a terrible fucking year, and I'm glad to see it end. 2012 is already looking pretty okay, as long as I can survive the freaking campaign season.

A light at the end of the tunnel?

Wednesday didn't exactly start off good. My brain was fried from already working three 11-hour days in a row. I could barely read the numbers on my RF gun right. It's like, my RF gun would say to go to location 333 in a certain aisle, but I would end up going to 033 instead, look for the product, not find it, and then I'd look at my gun again and realize I was at the wrong spot the entire time. Ugh. However, I did get two bits of good news towards the end of the day which made it all worthwhile. The first was that I didn't have to work on Friday, but I still had to work 11 hours on Sunday. The second was that my assignment was being extended! I feel really bad for the people who weren't so lucky.

This was my first real weekend since my birthday weekend, not counting the weekend between jobs since I didn't do anything. My car got worked on, so I spent the first half of my weekend waiting to get it back. But later on on Friday, I hung out with a friend for a good while. I had to do some shopping on my way home, and since I'm boycotting Walmart, I decided to try Meijer. It was a pretty nice visit, and I kind of wonder now why I even bothered shopping at Walmart in recent years.

I've got lots going on today, but I shouldn't be out too terribly late since I have to go in to work at 6:00am.

I was talking to someone recently about how odd the past three years have been for me, and how it would be nice to get back to some sense of normality. She then asked, "What's normal?". I told her that I didn't really know, but that things just have really really not been right in my life since I got laid off and my sister died. Other than the car situation, this weekend has made me feel like I could possibly get back to some sense of normalcy.

An early birthday present to myself.

I don't know where The Pixies rank on my All Time Favorite Bands list, but they're pretty high up there. When I semi-retired from concert-going, I said that it would have to be somebody really special like The Pixies to get me to go to a concert. I was seriously shocked last Summer when I saw that they would be playing in Louisville, and two days before my birthday no less! Since I'm on their e-mail list, I could have gotten a ticket during the first pre-sale, but the price was so outrageous that I thought, "Regular sale price MUST be cheaper!" It should be noted that the special pre-sale price also included a special t-shirt. The actual price when they went on sale wasn't much lower. I was really hoping to get two tickets so I wouldn't have to sit next to a stranger, but could only afford one. I almost got a cheaper ticket, but figured, "Fuck it, it's an early birthday present to myself, might as well go for the gusto!", and got the more expensive one.

So how was the show? I knew that they were going to play the entire Doolittle album along with a lot of B-sides, which I didn't even know that they had. One of the B-sides was the "UK Surf" version of "Wave Of Mutilation", which meant that they played "Wave Of Mutilation" in some form twice. They did some some songs from Come On Pilgrim and Surfer Rosa, and that was it. I was a little disappointed that they didn't do anything off of Bossanova or Trompe Le Monde, but other than that it was a great show! I did come across one guy after the show who was absolutely pissed that they didn't do more songs. I wanted to smack him, and tell him, "Dude, you sound like a little bitch!" Seriously, this guy was even more pissed than I was when I saw Queens Of The Stone Age in 2007 and they didn't do anything off of "Rated R". But then again, "Rated R" was (IMO) the best album of the 2000s, and I was having some serious anxiety issues that night. I don't know what this other guy's excuse was.

Oh, and the sound was really good. Opening band Surfer Blood were pretty enjoyable, but with as good as the sound mix was, I couldn't help but think as I always do when I see a recent band, that "There's no way that their CD sounds as good as this does."

Update: Thinking back on it, I think my favorite thing about the show were the little things, like hearing Black Francis whistle during "La La Love You", or hearing Kim Deal do her vocal bit during "Where Is My Mind?". They could have just as easily sampled those things, but hearing them actually do it was a hoot.

I've got to wait how long?

A week ago, I got a call from the University Of Louisville Psychiatric Group, and the earliest I could get in would be December 13th. It's like, "Umm, yeah, I need help NOW!" It usually does take a couple of months to see a new psychiatrist, so I should have expected it. Guess I'll just have to tough it out until then.

Last week, one of my coworkers came in to work sick, like with a cold or something. He just bought a house, and said that he couldn't afford to call in sick. At least one other person has gotten sick from it. I think I'm just now coming down with whatever he had. That sucks. I'm off today, but I'm afraid that I'll have to call in tomorrow if I don't feel any better.

My birthday is two weeks away, but I've actually been wondering what I'm going to do for it for a while. The only thing that I know is going on that night is a Metal show. One of my best friends is getting married the next day, and the ceremony is in downtown Louisville, so I'm considering getting a room in Louisville so I can go out the night of my birthday, and not have to drive all the way home and then back the next day.

While I'm on the subject of my birthday, I mentioned to a friend recently that as someone who doesn't care to drink, that I was afraid that people would actually want to buy me drinks and try to get me drunk, since that actually did happen five years ago, and it was the worst birthday ever. She told me that I sure did have a lot of anxiety about it, and I was like, "Well, I really don't have THAT much anxiety about it." She replied with, "Well, you are talking about it." Then I said something like, "Umm, yeah, maybe you're right."

Seasons

I hate the cycle of the year. At the beginning of the year, it's really cold, and the days are short, not to mention January 1st marks the anniversary of my sister's death. By February, it's still really cold, but the daylight seems to stick around a little later. In March, Spring seems to be playing tug-of-war with Winter. I'm not sure how they decide when to start Daylight Saving Time anymore, sometimes it starts in March, but it seems like there has been once in the past couple of years since they started the new system that they started it on the first Saturday of April. Anyway, Daylight Saving Time is good. Here in Kentucky, I think the threat of wintery precip isn't totally over until mid-May. Late June marks the Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year. While it is something to celebrate, I also can't help but think that the days can only get shorter from there. It gets really freakin' hot, which isn't good, but it beats the icy Hell of Winter. Football starts in August, and to me, football marks the beginning of the end of the year. Eventually, the days get shorter and colder. Falling back to Daylight Standard Time means it gets dark by 5:30pm. Bummer. Then comes my least favorite time of the year, the Thanksgiving/Christmas season. It's a time to fake being jolly when everything seems to die. It's also the only time in recent years when a good number of people are able to find employment, albeit temporary, thanks to it being the biggest shopping season. Ugh. The only good thing I can say about that period is that the Winter Solstice marks the shortest day of the year, so the days can only get longer from there. Granted, you still have to put up with January and February, but it gives some glimmer of hope. Repeat.

While I dread the beginning of the football season, I don't mind the Super Bowl sometimes because it means we're closer to Spring. I don't watch a lot of basketball either, but March Madness means that Spring has sprung, or is about to at least.

All four of my immediate family's birthdays fall between May and August, plus there's Mother's Day and Father's Day, so my parents get two additional special days. Mother's Day is always way too close to my brother's birthday, occasionally even falling on the same day.

One of the few good bits of advice my dad ever gave me was not to go to work when the roads are icy, unless you make more in a day than you'd pay for your car's deductible. I hate the idea of driving on ice so much that I've purposely avoided looking for work in January and February these past couple of years. It helps that in 2010 and 2011 that I accumulated enough money from working in November and December to pay the bills through January, and I make it though February thanks to my tax refund. (In 2009, I got severance checks through early February.) But the pay at Mega Lo Mart sucks so bad, and they avoid allowing overtime so much, that I don't think I'll be making that much this year. They're definitely not worth driving on ice for.

I'm really glad that I don't live any farther north than I do, but I would still like to move to some place that doesn't get much snow, or just doesn't have such drastically different seasons. One friend of mine lives in Key West, and brags about the weather a lot. I'd love to move there, but it's expensive, and work is hard to come by. He's primarily been bartending, and that's not a line of work I see myself getting into. Another acquaintance recently moved to Edinburgh, Scotland. It turns out that the weather there is probably more pleasant than you'd think. She has said that it's pretty much either Spring or Fall there, with temperatures never getting below 30 degrees Fahrenheit. She also said that the locals have warned her about the rain in the Winter being really cold, but that to her it still sounds preferable to being buried in snow.

The reason I bring all this up is because today is a warm day, and things are supposed to start cooling down, way down, tomorrow. I have enough anxiety as it is, the last thing I need is the weather making it even worse. And it's supposed to start getting really busy at work pretty soon. I was really hoping to either be in school or working somewhere else entirely by now.

Breakdown...go ahead and give it to me!

(Apologies to Tom Petty.)

You've probably been able to tell from recent posts that I haven't been feeling quite right lately. I really don't know why. There have been some work or school things that I've been meaning to look into, but like I said a couple of posts ago, I can't muster up the energy to want to do anything when I actually do have the time. I can say that I'm feeling unemployable. Let's face it, I'm slow, sarcastic, cynical, and not likely to drink any company's Kool Aid. I had read recently about how France, before the Revolution, would put idle people in asylums along with all the other crazies. At least the French put their Idle someplace, I figure modern American Conservatives would just as soon kill people like me off, or if not actively kill, then at least leave us to die.

I came very close to quitting on Wednesday night, mostly because I'm just so sick of Mega Lo Mart's bullshit. I really hope I find another job before the Christmas season really starts revving up.

I woke up in a really funky mood on Thursday. I really didn't want to get out of bed. For a day off, that's really bad. When I finally did get up, I felt like my nerves were frayed, so I took a Lorazepam. I'm not sure that it helped. As if I weren't already on the verge of a nervous breakdown (or something, I'm not sure if "nervous breakdown" is really accurate), I ended up arguing with my dad. I rarely actually talk to my mom or dad, especially about how I'm feeling because I have a hard time trying to describe my feelings through words, and I sometimes think that even if I could, they still just wouldn't get it. The best way I can describe what I'm going through is that I'm overwhelmed by everything, though overwhelmed would be an understatement. The worst thing that a non-depressed person can tell a depressed person to do is to just snap out of it. What my dad did was basically the equivalent of that. I went back to my room to get ready to leave for the Depression/Bipolar support group meeting, and found myself just about crying. By the time I composed myself, my mom came in, and told me not to take what my dad said to heart, since he had been drinking. You see, every Thursday, he goes to hang out with some dudes and drink. He actually drinks beer pretty much all the time, but he's not always that big of an asshole. She said that he really does love me and wants me to succeed, and I told her that he has a funny way of showing it. But anyway, I ended up crying again, and had to re-compose myself. Listening to Heaven 17 on my way to Louisville helped me feel not so cry-errific.

A lot of times, a piece of music, a lyric, or a scene from a TV show or movie can express how I feel better than I can on my own. I watched the M*A*S*H series finale a few years ago, and there was one of two scenes that struck me as especially poignant, the main part I'm talking about is in bold type. From Wikipedia:

Winchester eventually has to say goodbye to the Chinese musicians, who are to be part of a POW exchange. As they are driven away, they finally play the Mozart piece correctly for him. A public-address announcement then broadcasts the news that a truce has been signed; a cease-fire will go into effect at 10:00 that night, officially ending the hostilities. But the celebration is short-lived, as Potter orders the camp moved back to its original site so the remaining wounded can be treated. Among the wounded is one of the musicians, barely alive after the truck carrying the POWs was shelled. None of the other four survived, and this one soon dies as well. A shaken Winchester retires to his tent, where he plays a record of the Mozart piece they were rehearsing, then angrily yanks it from the turntable and smashes it.

That's pretty much how I've felt this year, in a nutshell. Sadly, I couldn't find a video for that scene. If you read the link, I guess the first couple of paragraphs in the plot synopsis also apply. You can see part of that scene.

Crushed by the wheels of Industry

Just a couple of days after I posted my previous entry, I got a rejection e-mail from the temp agency that Main ex-Employer partnered with. I know I've said it before, but I swear I'm giving up on trying to go back there again. Last week, CBS Evening News did a story about Main ex-Employer hiring so many people for the holiday season. An ex-coworker posted the video on Facebook, saying "Like!" I shared it, and said "Meh." I decided after a few minutes to delete it.

I managed to survive working five days straight. I don't see how people who have to do it every week can make it with their sanity intact. There are so many things there that frustrate me that I try to repress most of the memories. One thing that was noteworthy during that time was that I saw one of my favorite co-workers who I've written about before, and her ogre of a fiancee, right after I clocked out for lunch one night. She mentioned that Main ex-Employer was hiring, and I was like, "Yeah, I've already tried." We talked for a minute or two.

There's a song by Heaven 17 whose title describes how I feel: "Crushed By The Wheels Of Industry". That's almost a more fitting title for a Fear Factory song. :) I don't feel quite as bad as I did two weeks ago when I wrote "Sick of it all", but I still feel beaten down and defeated. Work is draining, and looking for work is draining, so looking for work while I've been working has just about sucked the life out of me. I've been waiting for something like Occupy Wall Street to come along since possibly the Clinton Administration. Now that it's here? Eh. I support it wholeheartedly, but can't muster up the energy to participate. If I were still unemployed, you could bet your ass that I'd totally be occupying something.

The week of August 18th (so far)

Updated 9-28-2011: Geez, I was so out of it when I wrote this that it took me almost a week to figure out that I put the wrong month in the title! Of course I meant September.

I mentioned on August 15th that I had an interview with a major employer. Today, I got a rejection e-mail from them. This basically means that there is no reason not to go to school at this point. Now, if only I can get this "pre-going to school" thing sorted out. I'd still like to find a higher paying job to work until I do start school so I can get away from Mega Lo Mart.

I ended up with a flat tire on my way to work on Tuesday. I got to work about a half hour late. With the exception of hurting my thumb, it actually wasn't a bad night at work, and that's one of the rare times that the night at work was better than the drive.

Wednesday was actually fun as Hell. Went to Waterfront Park for 91.9 WFPK's last Waterfront Wednesday. It was a much better lineup than the last time I went, with They Might Be Giants, J. Roddy Walston & The Business, and Louisville's own The Deloreans. Saw lots of people who I hadn't seen in a long time, including some ex-coworkers. According to one of my ex-coworkers, she now works with a few people that we used to work with at Main ex-Employer. Funny.

Last but not least, I HATE the new Facebook changes, and I'm not looking forward to what they have in store. I've learned of some hints to make it more bearable, but it's still a freaking mess. I'm kind of bugged by the people who bitch about people bitching about the changes. It's not that the bitching-about-bitchers crowd don't have some good points, but it was a Comfort Zone of sorts. Yes, if the FB changes are the worst thing to happen to you then yes you're having a good day. But if you've been overwhelmed with bullshit like I have, dealing with the changes makes things even more aggravating.

On this date ten years ago...

...Slayer released "God Hates Us All"! I'm surprised that some kooks haven't tried to say that the attacks were God's punishment for that album being released, but pseudo-Christian band P.O.D. released their "Satellite" album on the same day. If I believed in a God, I'd think he'd probably be more angry over P.O.D.. Being a fan of Slayer, I spent a good portion of 2001 looking forward to September 11th ever since it was announced as the release date for the album. Turning on the TV late that morning to find that the towers had collapsed was a surreal experience. I was unemployed at the time, and realized after a few days that although life had seemed to come to a halt, that bill collectors wouldn't necessarily stop calling, so it was time to resume the job search. I eventually did buy the Slayer album that Friday, too. It's far from being my favorite Slayer album, but it was still better than most of what passed for Metal at that time, or even now.

One thing that's a shame is that while P.O.D. thankfully no longer stink up the airwaves, songs that were out at this time ten years ago like Nickelback's "How You Remind Me", Staind's "It's Been Awhile", and Puddle Of Mudd's "Control" don't seem to be leaving anytime soon.

That's all I'm really going to say about 9/11. I share the opinion of this blog post on Buzzflash.com.

Blue Period

I found out on Saturday that another guy from my crew got fired for calling in too many times, leaving our crew down to six people, seven if you include the new lead guy. I was only scheduled to work three days this week. I might try to volunteer to work on Thursday, even though it's one of the support group nights. I'm scheduled to work both Tuesday and Thursday next week, so I won't get to go to the group at all then.

Speaking of the group, I was talking to a girl from the group last Thursday, and she asked me what I was doing for Labor Day. I told her that I'd probably just stay home and eat grilled food. It didn't occur to me until later that a better response might have been, "Why? You Wanna hang out?", or something like that. That kind of thing happens all the time, and is possibly the biggest reason why I've never been in a relationship. Granted, this girl doesn't date in the group, but it would've been nice to hang out with somebody, especially since my dad didn't do any grilling on Labor Day. Instead, him and my mom went out shopping and ate at Golden Corral. Had I been invited to something, I would've went out, but I purposely didn't go to a movie or coffee shop or anywhere because I didn't want to exploit the people who had to work.

I've been feeling lately like I have nothing to say. Not in here mind you, but to people in general. I don't really talk to my friends unless I see them out somewhere, and that's really just a select few people and not very often. Sometimes, I'll feel like messaging somebody on Facebook or wherever, and ultimately decide not to because I have nothing to say. It's even worse when I get on a dating site and want to message somebody who might seem date-worthy, because I feel like I'll come across as a total nut-job or something. On that note, I went to a bar about a month ago to celebrate a friend's birthday. I had a few friends there, but I was determined to try to talk a female who I didn't know before I left. Not any one in particular, just one. I failed. For one, I was paralyzed with fear trying to figure out what I was going to say, and second, I hate approaching people who are already talking to people, because I feel rude if I interrupt. But then if I approach somebody and try to wait for an opening to introduce myself, instead of just barging in like most normal people seem to do, and hang around not saying anything while waiting for that opening, those people are probably thinking, "Who is this creep?" It sucks being an introvert sometimes.

This past Thursday, Friday and Saturday were oppressively hot, at least by September-in-Kentucky standards, like around 100 degrees with a heat index of 108. These past three days have been at least 30 degrees cooler and rainy. I hate when the weather changes drastically like that. As if I didn't have enough to be depressed about, the gloomy wet weather seems to have activated my Seasonal Affective Disorder. I don't care for it being really hot, and we could've used some rain, but damn! I wish some of the rain would go to Texas, where they really need it. I don't regret going off of Lexapro, but I have been wondering if I should've tried some other antidepressant. But since I don't have insurance anyway, how would I have paid for it? I can't help but think sometimes that it was brilliant (sarcasm implied) of Main ex-Employer to lay off the guy who was emotionally hanging by a thread as it was.

Something's got to give.

(Suggested listening: Blown To...:The Best of The Smithereens)

Decisions, Decisions

(This part was written on Monday. I had more, but decided not to post the rest of it, but I might save it for later.)

I managed to survive another five day stretch at work. Believe it or not, I hate slow nights almost as much as I do two-truck nights. Our truck for Thursday was only 300 pieces, very small. I'm sure they expected us to get it done in an hour, but it took a little longer than that seeing as that the room wasn't set up for us like it's normally supposed to be. And of course, as soon as the truck was unloaded, we had to go do some other task despite the fact that there was more that could've been done in our area. I hate the slow days because that's when we have to do "bitch work", and I'm not really comfortable going outside my regular duties, and the days tend to drag. Friday was a ridiculous two-truck night, totaling up to about 5500 pieces. Those morons still expect us to get each truck done in two hours, whether it's a 1500 piece or a 2500+ piece. Three hours is a much more realistic amount of time for anything over 2000 pieces.

(Now for the new stuff.)

I'm freaking out, again, over the whole work/school thing. Here's what I might possibly have going on.:

• I applied for a major employer a couple of months ago. So many other people applied for those jobs that I doubt I'll get it.
• I mentioned recently that I had an interview with another major employer. It could be a few months before they actually do any hiring, and I'm not sure if I did well enough on the interview to be considered.
• One of the people at Vocational Rehab tried to put in a good word for me at another employer, who isn't doing any immediate hiring yet either. She couldn't guarantee me an interview, but she did say that when they start hiring again, they'll definitely give my application a look.
• I figured that if I didn't hear from any of these jobs by the time "Main ex-Employer" started hiring for the holiday peak season, that I'd try to get on there (because I'll be damned if I was going to work at my current job during the holidays), work there until the end of the year, all while working on getting into school for the Spring semester. I found out that "Main ex-Employer" was using a temp agency this year for the seasonal temps, and ironically it's the same agency I was working for when I decided to try getting back on at "Main ex-Employer" in 2009, so I was worried that the agency wouldn't let me back in. When I did try to apply online, there was a question asking if I had worked either full time or part time for "Main ex-Employer" before, to which I answered "Yes." When I hit the "Next" button, I got a message saying that I'd get an e-mail saying something about my eligibility. The e-mail that I got just said that my information would be carefully reviewed, and that I'd be contacted directly if I were chosen. I can't say I'm too confident about it.
• The financial aid processing deadline date for the Spring semester is October 15th, so I guess I'm going to have to decide if I'm going to school or not before the end of September. But what if I hear from one of the prospective employers after I enroll? What if I suck at the school thing? What if going to school does absolutely nothing for me in the job market, seeing as that lots of other college grads can't find work either? And what if we get someone like Rick Perry or Michelle Bachmann for President next year, thus ensuring the destruction of the U.S., making it all pointless?

Decisions, decisions. How the hell do you people keep from freaking out?

On another note, this is one of those weekends where I wish I still had a "second home" in Louisville since there is so much going on there this weekend. One thing I intend to do is go to Borders for their "Going Out Of Business" sale. I really hate that they're going out of business, but at least I'll be able to buy more than one or two books. While I'm on the subject of book stores, I have a friend who works at Barnes & Noble. The store is a little out of my way to shop at on a regular basis, but I really hope they stick around for my friend's sake.

I wanna go home...

With the exception of Saturday, this was almost a good week at work. From Tuesday through Thursday, Dragon Lady was supposedly on vacation, even though she just got back from vacation last week. Despite all the dumb changes that I mentioned in my previous post, it didn't feel quite as stressful due to Dragon Lady's absence. On Friday, she was fired, for multiple reasons. I didn't find out until Saturday that her biggest offense was stealing. Before that, I actually did hope that she would have better luck finding another job than I have, but I lost any sympathy I might have had for her when I found out about the stealing. Despite being a two-truck night, everybody was in a good mood, and we managed to get stuff done. It was a pretty good night.

On my way to work on Saturday, I heard "Sloop John B" by The Beach Boys, you probably know it better as the "I wanna go home" song. I went in hoping it was going to be a good day, but it turned out to be one of the most frustrating nights since July 4th. Yes, even worse than last Saturday. And I think I'll leave it at that.

I had an interview today, I think it went okay. The place I interviewed at is close to the area where I used to live a couple of years ago. This job pays enough for me to move out to that area, that is if I get the job. I kinda miss living there.

I'm so dreading coming in to work on Tuesday, mostly because I'm wondering if there will be repercussions from Saturday. I'm already ready for this week to be over. Next week is one of those odd weeks where I'm only scheduled to work three days. From a Sunday-through-Saturday perspective (as opposed to the Saturday-through-Friday pay period) I only work two nights next week. I hope I can actually get stuff accomplished.

I'd rather be sailing...

I had three days off this past weekend, but it was ultimately kind of depressing. The fact that Monday would've been my sister's 42nd birthday certainly didn't help, but it wasn't just that. I think I was bummed out mostly because I felt relatively isolated. Saturday, I went to Louisville. Sunday, I only left the house to get dinner for my parents and I. Monday, I went to the Hillview area (northern Bullitt/southern Jefferson County) to stop by the cemetery and to go to the theater to see Captain America. I rarely go to this particular theater because I don't care for that area, but they had a 2-D screening of the movie, which my favorite theater in the Highlands area of Louisville doesn't, and I figured I didn't really have anything to do in Louisville anyway. My only stop after the movie was a quick trip to the grocery.

One of the stations I listened to on my way home was the oldies station. "Sailing" by Christopher Cross came on, and while I'm not a fan of Yacht Rock*, I felt compelled to listen to it anyway. Here were some thoughts I had while listening to it.

1.I'd much rather be out somewhere sailing than driving home. Sure, a lot of people find living in the country to be tranquil, but the ocean just seems cooler to me. And I've never sailed, but CC makes it sound awesome.

2.I can totally imagine Christopher Cross just chilling out in the ocean, but having a 50 caliber machine gun handy in case pirates try to mess with him. In my opinion, that would make him way more badass than Chuck Norris.

3.Smooth.

*In this case, I mean the genre Yacht Rock, and not the web series, which I love.

Where does the time go?

So, I haven't posted in a while, roughly a week and a half to be exact. I haven't really had the time or energy to blog on my work nights, and I've been too busy being out-and-about or chatting with friends on my off nights to do it then, either. Last week was the first time in a while that I've worked four days straight, which felt really odd. My schedule for this week is really jacked up. I was off on Saturday, worked Sunday, have Monday off, work on Tuesday, am off Wednesday and Thursday, and I work Friday. I can't really say I'm fond of this "off a day, on a day, off a day..." thing either. I think this Saturday will be the start of going back to a regular schedule.

I'm amazed at how little I can accomplish on a day off. I mean, I did three loads of laundry, but I was really hoping to get more writing done than I did. I did the first paragraph of this entry at about 4-something, got tired, and saved the draft so I could add more later, but for the most part I've forgotten what I wanted to write about. I will say that after I saved the draft, I went to town to get supper for my parents and I, watched a show that I recorded while folding laundry, tried watching Countdown but ended up napping through it, watched part of The Rachel Maddow Show, then watched a couple more shows that I recorded. I figure the main thing I'll try to do when I get off the computer is watch a movie that's on the DVR. There are not enough hours in the day to do everything I'd like to do. And my co-workers wonder why I don't want to get into World Of Warcraft! I don't have time to play the games I have for my PS2, much less time for that hulking monstrosity.

Another thing I did today was look for job openings. Needless to say, it's still looking pretty bleak.

Freaking out about the future

Between the death of the acquaintance that I mentioned in my previous post, the fact that I probably won't be going to school until next year (and continuing to work until then), and the thought that we might possibly have a Republican President next year, I've really been freaking out about the future even more than normal.

Since I won't be going to school for a while, I've considered applying somewhere that my Vocational Rehab people can probably help me get a job with. What freaked me out was when my Voc Rehab person asked me if I intended to stay on at this place after I start school. I have no intention to, since I don't think I could juggle school and work, but I know that doesn't look good since companies (supposedly) want people who would be in it for the long haul. I'm also afraid that if I go to work there, then I might make too much money to qualify for a Pell Grant for the 2012/2013 year. Then again, we'll be lucky if the GOP doesn't take that away from us.

I was shocked and saddened on Thursday when I learned about the passing of Doug Norman. I was never really really close to him, but I always enjoyed talking music with him. He was an especially big fan of 1960's Garage/Psychedelic Rock, and even fronted a Garage Rock band called Thee Flying Carpets. When I discovered the Carpets at the end of 2004, they were on hiatus, but had a CD out. I finally met Doug the following Summer at Louisville Mojo's Second Birthday Bash. In 2007, I finally got to see Thee Flying Carpets play live with a revamped lineup. Between 2007 and now, I think I only got to see them two, maybe three times. It would have been four or five had I stuck around long enough at one show, and gotten to another show early. He sent me a message one time on Louisville Mojo, congratulating me for locking a thread in the forums about Louisville's smoking ban. We were both for it. I used to see him pretty frequently at Third Street Dive, whether it was for a show or The Midnight Hour Sound System, an event that went on on most Thursdays where some DJs would play records from or inspired by the 1960s. I saw him there the past couple of times that I went to see The Midnight Hour Sound System, but didn't bother to talk to him. I'm not sure why I didn't talk to him, maybe I just didn't have much to say. Then again, I hardly ever talk to anybody anymore, especially when I'm listening to music inside a bar. Since I was in town this past Thursday, a trip to the Dive was pretty much mandatory. I made it a point of actually trying to talk to people this time. It was totally what I needed.

I don't think I can bring up Third Street Dive here without paying tribute to Steve Gordon, who pretty much started the place up. I didn't really talk to him a whole lot, probably because it was rare when I didn't see him talking to somebody else, and I hate interrupting conversations*. I actually first met him back in 1997, he worked as a temp at my then employer for a day and a half, but we had some good conversations in that time. It took me a few years after I started going to the Dive before I finally did talk to him, and asked him if he remembered working at the place where I first met him. I think the fact that I could remember that time so well might have freaked him out a little bit. Sadly, I didn't really talk to him a whole lot after that, either.

*Seriously, I don't know how to come up and talk to people when they're talking to somebody else. I think it's rude to just come up and bust in, but if I go up and just stand there, not saying anything while waiting for an opening, I come off like a creep. End side note.

My heart goes out to my friends who were really close to these guys, as well as their other friends in these circles who have passed away this year. There have been too many of them, and they've died way too young. It really makes me want to do something better with my life than busting my ass for slave wages while getting yelled at by some psycho bitch. Life is too short for that shit.

Fail

(I actually worked on this on Wednesday night, but Blogger had some problems, and I could neither save nor post this when I was finished. Instead, I copied and pasted it onto a text document, and pasted it in here today. What you see here is what all I intended to post on Wednesday night. I had thought about adding more to it, but I'm too upset from having learned about an acquaintance's passing.)

I had Saturday night off, and while it was nice to see "The Dark Knight" on the big screen again (albeit in digital projection rather than 35mm), I can't help but feel like the night was disappointing overall.

Sunday through Tuesday at work were pretty crappy since way too many people were off. We only had one truck on Sunday, but we didn't get out until 1:30. We had two big trucks on Monday. We had a lot of temps help us. The temps who helped with the first truck were at least experienced with unloading, the temps who helped us with the second truck weren't. As if we didn't have enough to deal with, a manager that I've brought up before was yelling at us constantly. I'm sorry, but yelling at me isn't going to make me work even quicker, in fact it's probably going to make me slow down and tell you to fuck off. Despite only having one truck on Tuesday, she yelled at us again. I seriously hope she's not there on whatever day I determine to be my last working there, because I WILL tell her to fuck off then!

After finally getting a hold of somebody from the school that I applied to last week, I got my letter of acceptance today. Unfortunately, it seems that I've missed my Processing Deadline for Financial Aid for the Fall 2011 semester by a week! Oh well, guess I'll try for the Spring 2012 semester.

Today, I went to a little event in Louisville called Waterfront Wednesday, which is a concert series that my favorite local station, 91.9 WFPK, holds on the last Wednesday of every month during the Spring/Summer at Waterfront Park. In the seven years that I've been aware of it, this was my first time going. Excuses for not going in the past usually had to do with work, weather, or not knowing if anybody I knew was going to be there. I was really only interested in seeing the opening band, so I got there early, but some people I know from a local "dating" (formerly social networking) site were supposed to meet up between the first and second bands. I saw a few people I knew, but didn't see some of the others who were supposed to show up. I did see a few other people I knew. From about 7:30 on, it seemed more about trying to find people that I knew rather than just checking out the music, and I ceased to enjoy it, so I left before 9:00.

One of my friends on Facebook mentioned that the job search had fried his brain. A girl who works at Main ex-Employer commented with, "I'm assuming (Main ex-Employer) has been taken off the table of options...not enough $$$ for ya?" I had considered responding with some smart ass comment about the job search frying my brain, no thanks to a company that won't be named, but decided instead to bite my tongue and say, "I know the feeling." Because seriously, job searching does fry your brain!

Something's got to give.

I had a lot of thoughts last Friday, ranging from the personal to the national levels, that got me thinking that something's got to give. I know that "you've got to do what you've got to do" to support yourself, or especially your family if you have one, but where do you draw the line? I needed the job, but by working where I work, I almost feel like I'm supporting eroding wages. I hate how most people these days are happy to settle for slave wages, as if it has always been and always will be the norm. Some of these people are the same people who believe the bullshit being spewed from Talk Radio and Fox News, are angry at the wrong people, and elect the very people who are fucking them in the ass who are backed by the people who they should really be angry with. It's like, "Who cares if the people who are employing me are screwing me? American Idol is on!" Some people, like in Wisconsin, have woken up, but I wonder what it will take to wake the rest of the people up? If I were a much more charismatic person, I'd probably run for office and whip everyone up into a Populist frenzy. I'd possibly even run as a Republican, making Republican campaign promises, and then vote way Left when I actually get to office.

Due to my Auditory Processing Disorder, there are times when I really feel like screaming because I can't find the words that properly describe my thoughts or feelings, especially when the person I'm talking to seems to be having a different conversation from the one I thought I was having. I had a really frustrating conversation with my mom about the fact that I have this Saturday off because I wanted to go to my favorite theater's midnight showing of The Dark Knight. It started when my mom mentioned that she didn't know I was off today, and I told her that I had today and Thursday off, along with Saturday. Then she said, "Well, working is more important than a movie." As usual, wires got crossed, and we somehow got to talking about two different things. My taking Saturday off is really is about a lot more than just "going to a movie," the best way I can describe it is that it's about having some kind of work/life balance, a kind of "mental health day", though what I'm really thinking is much grander in scale. I don't know what she's thinking, but it's not like I'm calling in sick that day. I put in the time off request last month, the day has been approved, and there's not much I can do about it. If I try going in to work that day, the time clock won't let me clock in because it will just tell me that I'm not scheduled to come in that day. When I made the time off request, I figured that they would let me have that day off and have me work on one of my usual off days, rather than giving it to me along with my regular two days off, making a total of three days off. She also said, "You're gonna have to get used to workin', we won't be here forever." What am I really working for, anyway? I don't have a family to support, and with the way my social life and work schedule is going, it looks like I won't have to worry about it anytime soon. I figure that if I keep going on my current path, I'm probably going to end up living in a shack in the woods, and dying a lonely old hermit. The only thing I'm currently working for is my car, the same one that I've mentioned before that I almost sold two years ago, only to be talked out of it by my parents. I surely don't own that car, the car owns ME! I kind of need a car since I live too far from anywhere NOT to drive. I'll be glad when that s.o.b. is paid off next March.

The video is "Where Do Ya Draw The Line?" by Dead Kennedys.

A surprise Sunday off

Saturday night was one of those horrible Two Truck nights, and to make matters worse, we were slightly understaffed. But anyway, I decided to check my schedule during lunch, and was relieved to find that I had next Saturday off. (Just a reminder, I had put in some Time Off Requests for all the Midnight Movie Saturdays in June and July, as well as Sunday the 19th for a private screening of a friend's movie.) When I finally clocked out for the night at around 1:45-ish, I felt compelled to check the schedule again, and realized that I actually did have Sunday off after all, so I was going to get to go to the screening.

My original plan for Sunday was to not leave until about an hour or so before the movie was scheduled to start, and I'd try to get a lot done at home. You know, stuff like blogging. I knew that wasn't going to happen when my mom asked me if I could go to town to get some food, plus someone on Facebook had mentioned that a Rockabilly band was playing at Willow Park, so I figured that would be something to do before the movie, and why not, seeing as this would probably be my only Sunday off until who-knows-when. With the exception of showering and shaving, I got absolutely nothing accomplished.

When I got home from getting the food, I saw some silly puppy dogs run up the driveway. They followed me to the front door, but I managed to get in without letting them in. My dad, who had been in his garage, accidentally let them in when he came in. Getting them out was a pain, and I think the cats were traumatized, but I found it totally hilarious.

The Sunday Summer concerts at Willow Park are usually a good time. They usually draw a good crowd, but it disappoints me that I don't see more people that I know at these things. After all, if you have a "normal" work schedule, it's a good way to spend the day before you go back to work on Monday. It's still kind of fun to see people dancing, or kids playing around. The vast majority of attendees are older folks and young families. Seeing the young families, I couldn't help but think that my parents never did anything fun with live music like that when I was growing up. Seeing the older folks, I thought that I hope I can find somebody to grow old with, and who'll go out to fun stuff like that with me when we get old.

I got to the theater really early, and saw somebody I knew from the Depression/Bipolar support group, he was going in to see 13 Assassins. If I remember correctly, he had asked me what I knew about it, and I mentioned that a friend of mine seemed to like it, and somewhere along the way it was mentioned that it was foreign, and when him and his friend realized that they might actually have to read subtitles, he was like, "I can't read subtitles", and then I guess they went to see if they could get their money back or see something else. They did come back in and ask me what I knew about the other movies showing, to which I knew little since I had no interest in the other movies that were showing. But them saying that they couldn't read subtitles pissed me off to no end. I never got to figure out if he meant he literally couldn't read subtitles, since he may have some mental issue with reading or something that I don't know about, or that he just didn't want to read them. As a hardcore movie geek, I really have a problem with people who don't like subtitles, or have some other idiosyncrasy like not liking Black & White movies.

All in all, it was an interesting day. What I did find disappointing though was that today was the first time I had seen a lot of people in a long time, yet I didn't get to talk to them near as much as I would've liked.