Good riddance, 2011!

I've been hella busy between working and spending time with people. I was extremely unhappy about having to work these past two Fridays, but glad that I didn't have to work 11-hour days this week. On the upside, I found out that I'll be getting hired on Full Time in January!

I had the best Christmas ever this year. It's a shame that I don't feel at liberty to talk about most of it here. :D

I'll probably be gone most of the day on Saturday, so this will likely be my last post of the year. 2011 was a terrible fucking year, and I'm glad to see it end. 2012 is already looking pretty okay, as long as I can survive the freaking campaign season.

Whoa, not so fast!

Today was supposed to be the last of the 11-hour days, but at the start-up meeting they announced that we will have 11-hour days through the end of the year! FML What wasn't really announced, but I heard through the grapevine, was that we'll be working our overtime days too, meaning I'll probably have to work this Friday. It should be noted that not a lot happens on the two days before Christmas Day. I guess I should be happy that I get to work at least through the end of the year, but I'm fucking pissed. Any good feeling I might have had left over from this past weekend has gone out the window. I really hope I don't have to work on the 30th. My brother will only be in town from the 26th through the 31st, and it would be nice to get two whole days with him instead of just one.

I was really looking forward to getting up after 5:00 a.m., rather than before.

I don't see how anyone who has worked in retail around Christmastime, whether it's a big box store or an online retailer, can not be jaded when it comes to Christmas. I'm sure I've said it before, but I'll be glad when it's over.

(Edited to add that a video for the Fear song "Fuck Christmas" used to be here. The video has been pulled from YouTube.)

A light at the end of the tunnel?

Wednesday didn't exactly start off good. My brain was fried from already working three 11-hour days in a row. I could barely read the numbers on my RF gun right. It's like, my RF gun would say to go to location 333 in a certain aisle, but I would end up going to 033 instead, look for the product, not find it, and then I'd look at my gun again and realize I was at the wrong spot the entire time. Ugh. However, I did get two bits of good news towards the end of the day which made it all worthwhile. The first was that I didn't have to work on Friday, but I still had to work 11 hours on Sunday. The second was that my assignment was being extended! I feel really bad for the people who weren't so lucky.

This was my first real weekend since my birthday weekend, not counting the weekend between jobs since I didn't do anything. My car got worked on, so I spent the first half of my weekend waiting to get it back. But later on on Friday, I hung out with a friend for a good while. I had to do some shopping on my way home, and since I'm boycotting Walmart, I decided to try Meijer. It was a pretty nice visit, and I kind of wonder now why I even bothered shopping at Walmart in recent years.

I've got lots going on today, but I shouldn't be out too terribly late since I have to go in to work at 6:00am.

I was talking to someone recently about how odd the past three years have been for me, and how it would be nice to get back to some sense of normality. She then asked, "What's normal?". I told her that I didn't really know, but that things just have really really not been right in my life since I got laid off and my sister died. Other than the car situation, this weekend has made me feel like I could possibly get back to some sense of normalcy.

Got no time for livin'...

Let's get this out of the way first, especially if you're one of those company stooges who goes looking for dirt:

I like my new-old job!

But geez Louise, I feel like I spend way too much time there! My typical work day is ten hours, 10.5 if you include lunch. There are so damn many people there that I have to get there way early for a decent parking spot, and it takes so long to get out on a normal day due to the amount of people that I've given up trying to get out ASAP, and just hang out for 30 to 45 minutes. In all, there are about twelve and a half hours between the time I leave for work and the time I get home. I get out of bed about 45 minutes before I leave for work, so that adds up to 13 hours 15 minutes. Subtract that from 24 hours, and that leaves you with 10 hours 45 minutes. I try to get about 7 to 8 hours of sleep, so that leaves me with just under two to three hours open. That's not a whole lot of time. I especially haven't had time for blogging.

On those days where I have to work 11 hours, I feel like there's hardly any point in leaving. I'm really not happy that the 11th through the 18th of this month are all supposed to be 11-hour days, but I felt a little less bad after realizing that the week of the 18th is the last week before Christmas. I find it funny that they're making us work 11-hour days since the guy who has been the overall Fulfillment manager since late 2005 got rid of the 12-hour weekend shifts years ago, claiming that people lose productivity after ten hours.

I haven't gotten out much since my birthday weekend because I've been too busy working. While it sucks that I'll have no life due to the holidays, I'm actually way less miserable than I was at Mega Lo Mart!

Scheduling issues.

I forgot to mention in my last post that I chose the 7:00am-5:30pm Sunday-through-Wednesday shift. Once you've picked a shift, you're stuck with it. I was in kind of a hurry when it came time to pick shifts, and I wish I had had more time to think about it. I was trying to avoid the night shift, but I kind of wish now that I had taken a later shift because I had to reschedule my psychiatrist appointment, and I'll have to go to the county clerk's office during my lunch break to pay property taxes/renew my car's registration since I work the entire time that the office is open. We only get thirty minutes for lunch, so I'll be lucky if I can get back before lunch is over. I'll totally be glad when I've got that taken care of. As for the psychiatrist appointment, it fell on a "Blackout Day", a day where we absolutely need to be there, or else we'll be terminated. I told someone from the temp agency about my appointment, and asked if it was going to be okay to take a half-day or if I should just reschedule, and she said I should probably reschedule just to be safe. Actually getting a hold of the Intake Coordinator at U of L's psychiatric office was a major hassle because they're also only open during the time that I'm working, and I can only use my phone during my breaks or lunch, so my opportunities to talk were very limited. I finally got a hold of her during my last break on Wednesday. The appointment is now on January 26th. So, I had already waited one month, now I'm going to have to wait another two months? Fuck me running.

Between worrying about getting my registration renewed, having to work 11 hours on Black Friday, and not knowing if I'll have to work on Saturday, I'm having a really hard time enjoying my Thanksgiving. As I said in Seasons, the Thanksgiving/Christmas season is my least favorite part of the year. I hope this next month goes by really fast.

I did it again.

Written Thursday:
With the Christmas season coming up, work has gone from obnoxiously bad to intolerable. On top of the usual crap, we now have to separate the "Blitz" items (stuff that they expect to sell a lot of that won't be on sale until at least Black Friday) from the stuff that does go out to the floor immediately. With as tiny as the room is, it gets really lovely in there. I'm glad that I have today off, because working those two days in a row totally drained me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Working an hour and a half over on Wednesday certainly didn't help. One of my assistant managers mentioned to us on Wednesday to get in contact with our manager who does our scheduling if we want some extra hours since we're understaffed. Two thoughts:

1. My employer is so cheap that they're one of the only major employers that's not hiring for the season, either for permanent or seasonal help.
2. While I need the money, I don't think working an extra day a week there would be good for my sanity. The last time I worked five consecutive days there, I felt like slapping everybody. Besides, I've got a feeling that I'll be working over every night that I do work anyway.

Besides feeling drained, my head feels a little stopped up. I felt like doing virtually nothing today.

Written Saturday:

My head has been feeling a little congested for the past few days. Not so stuffed that I have trouble smelling anything, but still congested. It probably comes from the fact that the weather has been changing every few days. It will be mild one day, then cold the next, then mild for a couple of days, then cold for a couple of days, and so on. There is something about head congestion that seems to amplify depression, like it adds physical misery on top of mental misery. I have the weekend off, but I'll probably not go anywhere so I can try to rest this crap off. And besides, last weekend was pretty busy.

I got an interesting call on Thursday. It was from the temp agency that is hiring seasonal help for Main ex-Employer. It said that although I was previously ineligible to work for Main ex-Employer, that they were inviting me to the Job Fair they've been having anyway. My dad was the one who told me about the message, I got the impression that he was hinting that I should check it out, though he has discouraged me from leaving a job until I got a permanent job elsewhere. I went ahead and went to the job fair, and I have orientation on Monday. I decided to make Friday night my last night at Mega Lo Mart. I figured there was no point in staying there since the schedules for both places overlap, but I also couldn't stand it there any longer. (Let the boycott begin!) I'd rather work 50+ hours at Main ex-Employer than work 32 hours at Mega Lo Mart. I doubt that Main ex-Employer will keep me after Christmas, but I'm hoping that the temp agency will have work for me elsewhere. I can't help but think that I'm making a mistake, but it's not the biggest mistake I've ever made, nor will it be the last. My parents aren't too thrilled about it, but they weren't too thrilled about me not putting in many applications while I was working at Mega Lo Mart either. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Unless I can get a position like the one I had when I got laid off, I think I've gone about as far as I can with the general labor thing. Must work on getting into school next year.

Generic Dayquil/Nyquil has really helped with the symptoms.

An early birthday present to myself.

I don't know where The Pixies rank on my All Time Favorite Bands list, but they're pretty high up there. When I semi-retired from concert-going, I said that it would have to be somebody really special like The Pixies to get me to go to a concert. I was seriously shocked last Summer when I saw that they would be playing in Louisville, and two days before my birthday no less! Since I'm on their e-mail list, I could have gotten a ticket during the first pre-sale, but the price was so outrageous that I thought, "Regular sale price MUST be cheaper!" It should be noted that the special pre-sale price also included a special t-shirt. The actual price when they went on sale wasn't much lower. I was really hoping to get two tickets so I wouldn't have to sit next to a stranger, but could only afford one. I almost got a cheaper ticket, but figured, "Fuck it, it's an early birthday present to myself, might as well go for the gusto!", and got the more expensive one.

So how was the show? I knew that they were going to play the entire Doolittle album along with a lot of B-sides, which I didn't even know that they had. One of the B-sides was the "UK Surf" version of "Wave Of Mutilation", which meant that they played "Wave Of Mutilation" in some form twice. They did some some songs from Come On Pilgrim and Surfer Rosa, and that was it. I was a little disappointed that they didn't do anything off of Bossanova or Trompe Le Monde, but other than that it was a great show! I did come across one guy after the show who was absolutely pissed that they didn't do more songs. I wanted to smack him, and tell him, "Dude, you sound like a little bitch!" Seriously, this guy was even more pissed than I was when I saw Queens Of The Stone Age in 2007 and they didn't do anything off of "Rated R". But then again, "Rated R" was (IMO) the best album of the 2000s, and I was having some serious anxiety issues that night. I don't know what this other guy's excuse was.

Oh, and the sound was really good. Opening band Surfer Blood were pretty enjoyable, but with as good as the sound mix was, I couldn't help but think as I always do when I see a recent band, that "There's no way that their CD sounds as good as this does."

Update: Thinking back on it, I think my favorite thing about the show were the little things, like hearing Black Francis whistle during "La La Love You", or hearing Kim Deal do her vocal bit during "Where Is My Mind?". They could have just as easily sampled those things, but hearing them actually do it was a hoot.

Remember, remember...

Saturday night was a shitty two-truck night at work. I didn't clock out until 1:50. I was hoping to take advantage of the extra hour from the "falling back", but instead I pretty much broke even. Sunday was a much better night, and I got to leave an hour early since I stayed over the night before.

I've found somebody to swap days with so I could have the 12th off, but getting a hold of a manager when they're in their offices has been a challenge.

I just found out that I have next Saturday (the 19th) off, and I didn't even ask for it. :/

On November 5th 2008, I had the night off so I could go see Henry Rollins do a spoken word show. Earlier in the day, I watched "V For Vendetta". Then I went out for coffee, and then went to Headliners Music Hall to see Henry. I wish I had a recording of that show, because he had some great stories about going to see Bad Brains the night before, and about some guy he met in Asia who called him "Mr. Curve". I got to meet him after the show, and I was speechless. The experience wasn't totally unlike the story of when Henry met Iggy Pop, except that I didn't even have the band experience to draw back from. :)

The next day, I got laid off. It's been a really shitty three years. It's kind of hard to forget the date when it comes after the day that we're urged to "Remember, remember, the fifth of November, the gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot."

I was really hoping that this post would be more epic, but I don't really have it in me, and the shittyness of my recent life is too well documented as it is. Plus, I'm itching to get off here to watch "The Walking Dead."

How could you be so heartless?

I had to work on Saturday, when most of the fun Halloween related stuff was actually happening. I'm off today, and was invited to a couple of Halloween parties, but costumes were mandatory, and I don't have a costume. I kind of dig Halloween, but can never really think of costume ideas. You can call it being lazy, but I prefer to think of it as having bigger things to deal with. I decided instead to try to make it a day of horror movie watching. I had to take a break from the movies because there were a couple of things I learned today that really saddened or pissed me off.

My favorite Louisville record store, Ear X-tacy, is closing. They moved to a new location last year in hopes of staying afloat, but it didn't work. I understand that the music business is changing and that the economy sucks, but what really bothers me is how some people can be so god damned callous as to virtually cheer that the store is closing! The way I see it, it's almost like if somebody had been dissing my sister after she died. They sound like fucking Tea Partiers, and some of them are! You can see an example of this here. Hell, I've seen so many of my friends on Facebook talk crap about them that I've put a warning on my Ear X-related posts that negative comments will be deleted. I don't feel like doing a eulogy at this time, maybe soon though.

I asked for November 9th through the 12th off from work. The 9th is when The Pixies play in Louisville, my birthday is on the 11th, and one of my best friends is getting married on the 12th. I found out last weekend that the only day they scheduled me off from the 9th to the 11th was the 11th, probably because it's my birthday. I managed to find someone to swap days with, trading the 9th for the 6th, a day that I was scheduled off. The schedule for the week of November 12-18 just came out yesterday, but I didn't get around to checking it out until this evening. They fucking have me scheduled to work the 12th! When I requested the 12th off, I clicked on "Family obligation" under Reason so that they would know that I absolutely needed that night off. I guess I'll try swapping days again, but I can't imagine anyone wanting to work on a Saturday. If I can't swap it, I'll just say "Fuck you" and call in. You know, if I still worked at Main ex-Employer, I'd just take the whole fucking week off, and go see Judas Priest in Cincinnati on the 8th on top of everything else I want to do that week.

This wasn't the worst Halloween ever, 2003 and 2009 easily top it, but it sucked way more than it had any right to.

I've got to wait how long?

A week ago, I got a call from the University Of Louisville Psychiatric Group, and the earliest I could get in would be December 13th. It's like, "Umm, yeah, I need help NOW!" It usually does take a couple of months to see a new psychiatrist, so I should have expected it. Guess I'll just have to tough it out until then.

Last week, one of my coworkers came in to work sick, like with a cold or something. He just bought a house, and said that he couldn't afford to call in sick. At least one other person has gotten sick from it. I think I'm just now coming down with whatever he had. That sucks. I'm off today, but I'm afraid that I'll have to call in tomorrow if I don't feel any better.

My birthday is two weeks away, but I've actually been wondering what I'm going to do for it for a while. The only thing that I know is going on that night is a Metal show. One of my best friends is getting married the next day, and the ceremony is in downtown Louisville, so I'm considering getting a room in Louisville so I can go out the night of my birthday, and not have to drive all the way home and then back the next day.

While I'm on the subject of my birthday, I mentioned to a friend recently that as someone who doesn't care to drink, that I was afraid that people would actually want to buy me drinks and try to get me drunk, since that actually did happen five years ago, and it was the worst birthday ever. She told me that I sure did have a lot of anxiety about it, and I was like, "Well, I really don't have THAT much anxiety about it." She replied with, "Well, you are talking about it." Then I said something like, "Umm, yeah, maybe you're right."

Hey you...

It turned out that Monday was actually a fairly nice day weather-wise, sunny and not too cold. Tuesday was the start of the suckage. It was cloudy and fairly cold, and to add insult to injury, it started raining around 7-ish in the evening. Wednesday was the same story, except it was made worse by going to work. There were only five of us there to unload a 2500 piece truck, which took about three and a half hours to unload. I'm lucky that we got to leave on time. We actually might not have even cut it as close had one of the managers not taken a couple of our guys to go stock, leaving two of us to finish up.

Today is another cold and gray day. It's not raining at the moment, and I'm not sure if it's going to rain later or not. The forecast for Friday: sunny with highs in the low 60s. I think I can handle that. :) Actually, the sun did just try to peek out, but I don't see that lasting long.

I kind of feel lately like I'm living in Pink Floyd's "The Wall", except for the fact that I'm not a rock star. My depression/anxiety has gotten so bad that I am seeking help for it. I went to the psychiatry office at U of L's hospital to fill out some paperwork, and they should be calling sometime to set up an appointment. The waiting sucks.

I probably won't be writing much for a while, so I'll try to keep in touch with some of you readers personally. At the very least, I'll be posting less frequently than I have been, which hasn't been a lot lately anyway. And while I might not be writing, I'm still be reading blogs.

Seasons

I hate the cycle of the year. At the beginning of the year, it's really cold, and the days are short, not to mention January 1st marks the anniversary of my sister's death. By February, it's still really cold, but the daylight seems to stick around a little later. In March, Spring seems to be playing tug-of-war with Winter. I'm not sure how they decide when to start Daylight Saving Time anymore, sometimes it starts in March, but it seems like there has been once in the past couple of years since they started the new system that they started it on the first Saturday of April. Anyway, Daylight Saving Time is good. Here in Kentucky, I think the threat of wintery precip isn't totally over until mid-May. Late June marks the Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year. While it is something to celebrate, I also can't help but think that the days can only get shorter from there. It gets really freakin' hot, which isn't good, but it beats the icy Hell of Winter. Football starts in August, and to me, football marks the beginning of the end of the year. Eventually, the days get shorter and colder. Falling back to Daylight Standard Time means it gets dark by 5:30pm. Bummer. Then comes my least favorite time of the year, the Thanksgiving/Christmas season. It's a time to fake being jolly when everything seems to die. It's also the only time in recent years when a good number of people are able to find employment, albeit temporary, thanks to it being the biggest shopping season. Ugh. The only good thing I can say about that period is that the Winter Solstice marks the shortest day of the year, so the days can only get longer from there. Granted, you still have to put up with January and February, but it gives some glimmer of hope. Repeat.

While I dread the beginning of the football season, I don't mind the Super Bowl sometimes because it means we're closer to Spring. I don't watch a lot of basketball either, but March Madness means that Spring has sprung, or is about to at least.

All four of my immediate family's birthdays fall between May and August, plus there's Mother's Day and Father's Day, so my parents get two additional special days. Mother's Day is always way too close to my brother's birthday, occasionally even falling on the same day.

One of the few good bits of advice my dad ever gave me was not to go to work when the roads are icy, unless you make more in a day than you'd pay for your car's deductible. I hate the idea of driving on ice so much that I've purposely avoided looking for work in January and February these past couple of years. It helps that in 2010 and 2011 that I accumulated enough money from working in November and December to pay the bills through January, and I make it though February thanks to my tax refund. (In 2009, I got severance checks through early February.) But the pay at Mega Lo Mart sucks so bad, and they avoid allowing overtime so much, that I don't think I'll be making that much this year. They're definitely not worth driving on ice for.

I'm really glad that I don't live any farther north than I do, but I would still like to move to some place that doesn't get much snow, or just doesn't have such drastically different seasons. One friend of mine lives in Key West, and brags about the weather a lot. I'd love to move there, but it's expensive, and work is hard to come by. He's primarily been bartending, and that's not a line of work I see myself getting into. Another acquaintance recently moved to Edinburgh, Scotland. It turns out that the weather there is probably more pleasant than you'd think. She has said that it's pretty much either Spring or Fall there, with temperatures never getting below 30 degrees Fahrenheit. She also said that the locals have warned her about the rain in the Winter being really cold, but that to her it still sounds preferable to being buried in snow.

The reason I bring all this up is because today is a warm day, and things are supposed to start cooling down, way down, tomorrow. I have enough anxiety as it is, the last thing I need is the weather making it even worse. And it's supposed to start getting really busy at work pretty soon. I was really hoping to either be in school or working somewhere else entirely by now.

Breakdown...go ahead and give it to me!

(Apologies to Tom Petty.)

You've probably been able to tell from recent posts that I haven't been feeling quite right lately. I really don't know why. There have been some work or school things that I've been meaning to look into, but like I said a couple of posts ago, I can't muster up the energy to want to do anything when I actually do have the time. I can say that I'm feeling unemployable. Let's face it, I'm slow, sarcastic, cynical, and not likely to drink any company's Kool Aid. I had read recently about how France, before the Revolution, would put idle people in asylums along with all the other crazies. At least the French put their Idle someplace, I figure modern American Conservatives would just as soon kill people like me off, or if not actively kill, then at least leave us to die.

I came very close to quitting on Wednesday night, mostly because I'm just so sick of Mega Lo Mart's bullshit. I really hope I find another job before the Christmas season really starts revving up.

I woke up in a really funky mood on Thursday. I really didn't want to get out of bed. For a day off, that's really bad. When I finally did get up, I felt like my nerves were frayed, so I took a Lorazepam. I'm not sure that it helped. As if I weren't already on the verge of a nervous breakdown (or something, I'm not sure if "nervous breakdown" is really accurate), I ended up arguing with my dad. I rarely actually talk to my mom or dad, especially about how I'm feeling because I have a hard time trying to describe my feelings through words, and I sometimes think that even if I could, they still just wouldn't get it. The best way I can describe what I'm going through is that I'm overwhelmed by everything, though overwhelmed would be an understatement. The worst thing that a non-depressed person can tell a depressed person to do is to just snap out of it. What my dad did was basically the equivalent of that. I went back to my room to get ready to leave for the Depression/Bipolar support group meeting, and found myself just about crying. By the time I composed myself, my mom came in, and told me not to take what my dad said to heart, since he had been drinking. You see, every Thursday, he goes to hang out with some dudes and drink. He actually drinks beer pretty much all the time, but he's not always that big of an asshole. She said that he really does love me and wants me to succeed, and I told her that he has a funny way of showing it. But anyway, I ended up crying again, and had to re-compose myself. Listening to Heaven 17 on my way to Louisville helped me feel not so cry-errific.

A lot of times, a piece of music, a lyric, or a scene from a TV show or movie can express how I feel better than I can on my own. I watched the M*A*S*H series finale a few years ago, and there was one of two scenes that struck me as especially poignant, the main part I'm talking about is in bold type. From Wikipedia:

Winchester eventually has to say goodbye to the Chinese musicians, who are to be part of a POW exchange. As they are driven away, they finally play the Mozart piece correctly for him. A public-address announcement then broadcasts the news that a truce has been signed; a cease-fire will go into effect at 10:00 that night, officially ending the hostilities. But the celebration is short-lived, as Potter orders the camp moved back to its original site so the remaining wounded can be treated. Among the wounded is one of the musicians, barely alive after the truck carrying the POWs was shelled. None of the other four survived, and this one soon dies as well. A shaken Winchester retires to his tent, where he plays a record of the Mozart piece they were rehearsing, then angrily yanks it from the turntable and smashes it.

That's pretty much how I've felt this year, in a nutshell. Sadly, I couldn't find a video for that scene. If you read the link, I guess the first couple of paragraphs in the plot synopsis also apply. You can see part of that scene.

Crushed by the wheels of Industry

Just a couple of days after I posted my previous entry, I got a rejection e-mail from the temp agency that Main ex-Employer partnered with. I know I've said it before, but I swear I'm giving up on trying to go back there again. Last week, CBS Evening News did a story about Main ex-Employer hiring so many people for the holiday season. An ex-coworker posted the video on Facebook, saying "Like!" I shared it, and said "Meh." I decided after a few minutes to delete it.

I managed to survive working five days straight. I don't see how people who have to do it every week can make it with their sanity intact. There are so many things there that frustrate me that I try to repress most of the memories. One thing that was noteworthy during that time was that I saw one of my favorite co-workers who I've written about before, and her ogre of a fiancee, right after I clocked out for lunch one night. She mentioned that Main ex-Employer was hiring, and I was like, "Yeah, I've already tried." We talked for a minute or two.

There's a song by Heaven 17 whose title describes how I feel: "Crushed By The Wheels Of Industry". That's almost a more fitting title for a Fear Factory song. :) I don't feel quite as bad as I did two weeks ago when I wrote "Sick of it all", but I still feel beaten down and defeated. Work is draining, and looking for work is draining, so looking for work while I've been working has just about sucked the life out of me. I've been waiting for something like Occupy Wall Street to come along since possibly the Clinton Administration. Now that it's here? Eh. I support it wholeheartedly, but can't muster up the energy to participate. If I were still unemployed, you could bet your ass that I'd totally be occupying something.

Blah Blah Blah

I had a pretty decent three day stretch at work, which was much needed after the previous work week. They've hired a few people, the trucks weren't too huge, and we only had one truck each night. The only thing that really sucked was having to go out to push carts a couple of times on those days. I think they need to hire more cart pushers. I also got to miss out on a lot of fun stuff on Saturday, including a showing of Tron at my favorite theater.

I've mentioned recently that Main ex-Employer was partnering with a temp agency for the holiday season. It was all over the local news Monday that they would be hiring 3000 people for the season. Like every year, I'm thinking that most of the people who go there hoping that their jobs will become permanent will be disappointed. Any news about employment going up from October through December shouldn't be seen as an indicator for anything. I don't see myself getting called up, and after remembering what a clusterfuck the parking lot was last year and imagining how bad it could get this year, I don't think I'll be missing it.

I'm approaching the end of three days off. This "weekend" was a disaster. 'Nuff said.

Sick of it all

I'm sick of everything. Well, almost everything.

• I'm sick of Corporate America.
• I'm sick of the politicians that Corporate America helps get into office, including all Republicans.
• I'm sick of the poor morons who vote against their economic interests.
• I'm sick of working for The Devil.
• I'm sick of looking for work, especially warehouse work.
• I'm sick of being told to apply somewhere that I've applied before, like that will do any good.
• I'm sick of religion.
• I'm sick of looking for love.
• I'm sick of alcohol and drugs, since most women won't even look at me unless they're under the influence. (Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol!)
• I'm sick of small towns.
• I'm sick of living with my parents.
• I'm sick of having no health/vision/dental insurance.

I don't know what to do.

• Telling me to "Hang in there!" doesn't really help. I've hung on as long as I can possibly stand.
• Telling me to go to school doesn't really help. I'm trying though. Sort of.
• Telling me to give my life to God or Jesus doesn't help, since religion is the biggest joke of all time, especially when people take it literally. And I probably know more about your religion than you do. I don't care for any other religions, either.
• Telling me that love will find me when I quit looking for it doesn't help. Some of us are so far outside the radar that if we don't put ourselves out there, than nothing will happen either.

Seriously, it's like I only live for two reasons:

1. I don't think my family could take it if they lost another child/sibling.
2. Being a burden to Republicans, the ultra wealthy, and other assorted haters is just too much fun. It's like I live just to make their lives Hell.

That last point is one that I definitely need to keep in mind.

The week of August 18th (so far)

Updated 9-28-2011: Geez, I was so out of it when I wrote this that it took me almost a week to figure out that I put the wrong month in the title! Of course I meant September.

I mentioned on August 15th that I had an interview with a major employer. Today, I got a rejection e-mail from them. This basically means that there is no reason not to go to school at this point. Now, if only I can get this "pre-going to school" thing sorted out. I'd still like to find a higher paying job to work until I do start school so I can get away from Mega Lo Mart.

I ended up with a flat tire on my way to work on Tuesday. I got to work about a half hour late. With the exception of hurting my thumb, it actually wasn't a bad night at work, and that's one of the rare times that the night at work was better than the drive.

Wednesday was actually fun as Hell. Went to Waterfront Park for 91.9 WFPK's last Waterfront Wednesday. It was a much better lineup than the last time I went, with They Might Be Giants, J. Roddy Walston & The Business, and Louisville's own The Deloreans. Saw lots of people who I hadn't seen in a long time, including some ex-coworkers. According to one of my ex-coworkers, she now works with a few people that we used to work with at Main ex-Employer. Funny.

Last but not least, I HATE the new Facebook changes, and I'm not looking forward to what they have in store. I've learned of some hints to make it more bearable, but it's still a freaking mess. I'm kind of bugged by the people who bitch about people bitching about the changes. It's not that the bitching-about-bitchers crowd don't have some good points, but it was a Comfort Zone of sorts. Yes, if the FB changes are the worst thing to happen to you then yes you're having a good day. But if you've been overwhelmed with bullshit like I have, dealing with the changes makes things even more aggravating.

Not one damn, shit, or fuck was given.

I have a hard time working more than two days at a time at Mega Lo Mart anymore. This recent four day stretch just about did me in. Thursday wasn't too horrible. Friday was a two-truck night, and we only had four in our crew, plus our supervisor. They've taken away at least half of our empty bin space where we used to put the pallets that we stacked freight on, to use them either for overstock or supposedly for layaway items. We barely have enough room in our room for one big truck, and we actually have no room anymore for a two-truck night! One of the day-shift managers assigned the breakpacks to me, which I'm usually not too bad at, but I got bombarded, and spent the entire night working on them, even working a couple of hours over to finish them. They brought in a bunch of people who had never unloaded before to help with the second truck, but instead of being any help, they just made a huge mess. Three of the crew left just after 1:00 a.m., leaving just me and the supervisor to try to finish everything up. Honestly, the only reason I didn't leave at 1:00 was because I felt obligated to at least finish the breakpacks. Around 3:30-ish, the supervisor told me what was left to do, and not to worry about cleaning, and then clocked out. Then he came back and told me that he was off the clock, so he couldn't really tell me what to do, I think he just came back there to thank me for staying over. After he walked away, I considered trying to finish everything up, but then I was like, "Fuck it", and did a couple of important things on my way to the time clock. Had it been approaching 2:00, I might have wrapped everything up, but since it was approaching 4:00, I decided I really didn't give a fuck. Hell, I'm normally in bed by then!

Something else about Friday that really aggravated me was this one redneck bastard customer. After lunch, I went out to the Sales Floor for the sole purpose of changing tasks (Don't get me started!), and as I was making my way to the back room, some customer hollered at me to get my attention. I can't quite remember, but I think he was asking me if I had a key for the video game case, which I don't. He said that one of the Electronics guys walked off when he tried to ask him something, said he was rude and then implied that the guy was probably gay, then apologized in case it offended me. I had no idea who he was talking about. I did see one other Electronics guy, but he was busy with some customers. Then one of my crew finished up with his Task crap and helped me with talking to the guy, and I eventually saw the guy he was talking about. I eventually walked away. I seriously had to suppress the urge to smash that guy's face! For one, do NOT fucking yell at me like that! And two, do NOT disrespect my coworkers like that! I've seen a lot of morons shopping there, but I'm actually surprised that I haven't had more like him.

I came in on Saturday wore out and not giving a fuck. We had a mid-size truck, but only three people, and the supervisor was off that night. I got lectured by the same manager who assigned me to breakpacks the day before about not doing some of the stuff that I was supposed to do before I left that morning. I didn't say it, but I didn't give a fuck. We got some help unloading the truck. We were told to try to hurry up. I didn't give a fuck. Then they sent some of us out to bring the carts back from the parking lot. Then we went back to finish the truck. We got done with the truck a half hour later than we were scheduled to. After our break, which was about an hour before lunch, they sent two of us back out to push carts, when we could have been helping get stuff straightened out in the back room. But even if they didn't send us out to push carts, they would have had us do some other bullshit instead. We busted our asses trying to get the freight onto the floor. Around 12-something, one of the 3rd Shift managers bitched me out because she had supposedly been paging us for an hour to log out of our tasks (Again, don't get me started!), then she said that she wanted to talk to us at some point, I figure probably to bitch. But I guess we were too busy actually doing our jobs for her to get us all together in one place to bitch. I left at 1:15, the other two guys left at around 1:30, and I think one of the 3rd shift guys from the back room finished up what little there was left to do.

Oh, and there were two birthday parties I could have gone to had I not had to work on Saturday.

I came in Sunday virtually the same way I came in on Saturday, wore out and not giving a fuck. The good news was that we had a similar sized truck as the night before, but we also had two extra people, and at least one person from outside the department helping with the unload. But we spent our first half hour in the parking lot bringing carts back in. Around 11:00, two of our more experienced people were sent to stock, leaving me with the supervisor and one of the newbs. The supervisor works 3-midnight instead of 4-1, so at midnight I was left with the newb. I think we got most of what needed to be done, but not quite everything they wanted us to do. I had Monday off, so not one fuck was given either way.

I'm seriously trying not to quit until I have something else lined up, but these past four days really tested my patience. I wonder sometimes how much mind I have left to lose. I think of "Should I Stay or Should I Go". There would actually be more trouble if I go, but I feel like if I stay too long, then I'm liable to go Full Retard (or something) on somebody, most likely a manager, but possibly even a customer like the one I had on Friday. I don't even want to think about going back in tomorrow, even if I do have two nights off after then.

Something's got to give.

Detecting b.s. in job ads

When I got home from work on Monday night, I saw the local paper sitting on the kitchen table, and decided to check out the Help Wanted ads. By "local paper", I'm referring to Shepherdsville's paper The Pioneer News, and not Louisville's Courier-Journal. The jobs section of the C-J these days is pretty pathetic, so there's usually a good chance that The PN's jobs section will be pretty slim pickin's as well. As I predicted, the only ads for the kinds of jobs of which I have experience were for temp agencies. When I got up the next day, my dad told me that he wanted me to check out The Pioneer News because there were some jobs he wanted me to see. Then I told him that I already checked it out, and that the only jobs in there that were worth a crap were from temp agencies. He then opens up the paper and asks me which ones were temp agencies, and I point to three ads. He asks me where they say "temp", and I'm like, "Trust me, they're temp agencies!" Then he points to some other ad, and asks, "What's that?"  The ad he pointed to said this:

ATTENTION

$20/START

Local company has 15-20

immediate

openings in our

Customer

Service

Dept.

No experience

necessary!

We train!

Must Have Own

Transportation.

Management Available.

No layoffs.

PLEASE CALL FOR

INTERVIEW

(Then it lists the number)

Having actually been unemployed and looking for work at various times in the past 13 years, and having checked out some places or done some further research on the web, I've developed a pretty good Bullshit Detector when it comes to job ads. "Customer Service" isn't a bad thing, but I don't trust seeing those words attached to an ad where no company name is mentioned, and for that matter I don't trust any ad where a company name isn't attached. When my dad asked me what I thought it was, my first thought was that it was probably something shady, but I wasn't sure how to tell my dad that. Instead, I was like, "I don't know, probably answering phones or something." Then he said something to the effect of, "Well for $20, surely you could answer a fucking phone?" I don't know if I've mentioned it here yet, but I have issues with telephones, especially when it comes to using them for work, so I absolutely avoid phone jobs. So, I told him, "I'm not good at working with phones." Then he asked me, "Well what are you good at?" I told him that I was good at what I did at Main ex-Employer, to which he replied, "Well, you must not have been good enough since they never called you back." Then I told him that there were lots of good people who got laid off from there who didn't get called back. We were probably talking about two different eras, since I was referring to the job I did when I got laid off, while he might have been talking about when I worked there on a seasonal basis the past two years. Of course, what I really wanted to tell him was "Well fuck you old man!" I absolutely love starting the day with an argument...not. Needless to say, a Lorazepam tablet was consumed.

Wednesday night, I finally got around to looking up the number that was listed in the ad, and it seems that my suspicion was justified. It seems to be some Sales type of job, and possibly even a pyramid scheme. From the number, I found a company name, so I looked up the company name, and found this. Make sure to hit "next page" when you get to the bottom of the thread, the second page is probably even more revealing about the job aspect of the company.

So, to answer my dad's question, I guess I'm good at detecting bullshit in job ads. If I were a really good blogger, I'd tell you what to look out for.

On this date ten years ago...

...Slayer released "God Hates Us All"! I'm surprised that some kooks haven't tried to say that the attacks were God's punishment for that album being released, but pseudo-Christian band P.O.D. released their "Satellite" album on the same day. If I believed in a God, I'd think he'd probably be more angry over P.O.D.. Being a fan of Slayer, I spent a good portion of 2001 looking forward to September 11th ever since it was announced as the release date for the album. Turning on the TV late that morning to find that the towers had collapsed was a surreal experience. I was unemployed at the time, and realized after a few days that although life had seemed to come to a halt, that bill collectors wouldn't necessarily stop calling, so it was time to resume the job search. I eventually did buy the Slayer album that Friday, too. It's far from being my favorite Slayer album, but it was still better than most of what passed for Metal at that time, or even now.

One thing that's a shame is that while P.O.D. thankfully no longer stink up the airwaves, songs that were out at this time ten years ago like Nickelback's "How You Remind Me", Staind's "It's Been Awhile", and Puddle Of Mudd's "Control" don't seem to be leaving anytime soon.

That's all I'm really going to say about 9/11. I share the opinion of this blog post on Buzzflash.com.

Crew update

Another one of our new guys quit, supposedly because some woman pissed him off when she told him that he couldn't go to the bathroom until break. The woman was described as being white haired, and there is virtually know one we know of who has any authority with white hair. So basically, if anyone told most of us that we couldn't go to the bathroom, we'd tell them to kiss our ass. This guy had another job making $10/hour, and had a bit of a short fuse, so I figure he was just finding a reason to quit.

To update, seven people were hired in August, excluding the new supervisor. Two have already transferred to 3rd shift, four have officially been fired or quit, and I'm not even sure that the one remaining guy is still with us. For the amount of work we do and the amount of pay we get, you either have to be stupid, crazy, or really desperate to do our job. I'll cop to the last two. The only good thing I can say about the past two weeks is that the "stupid" element has been weeded out. But seriously, how can you expect to find good help when you only pay minimum wage for a job that most places would pay $9-$10/hour for? The only reason I even make $7.65 is because of my previous experience.

Blue Period

I found out on Saturday that another guy from my crew got fired for calling in too many times, leaving our crew down to six people, seven if you include the new lead guy. I was only scheduled to work three days this week. I might try to volunteer to work on Thursday, even though it's one of the support group nights. I'm scheduled to work both Tuesday and Thursday next week, so I won't get to go to the group at all then.

Speaking of the group, I was talking to a girl from the group last Thursday, and she asked me what I was doing for Labor Day. I told her that I'd probably just stay home and eat grilled food. It didn't occur to me until later that a better response might have been, "Why? You Wanna hang out?", or something like that. That kind of thing happens all the time, and is possibly the biggest reason why I've never been in a relationship. Granted, this girl doesn't date in the group, but it would've been nice to hang out with somebody, especially since my dad didn't do any grilling on Labor Day. Instead, him and my mom went out shopping and ate at Golden Corral. Had I been invited to something, I would've went out, but I purposely didn't go to a movie or coffee shop or anywhere because I didn't want to exploit the people who had to work.

I've been feeling lately like I have nothing to say. Not in here mind you, but to people in general. I don't really talk to my friends unless I see them out somewhere, and that's really just a select few people and not very often. Sometimes, I'll feel like messaging somebody on Facebook or wherever, and ultimately decide not to because I have nothing to say. It's even worse when I get on a dating site and want to message somebody who might seem date-worthy, because I feel like I'll come across as a total nut-job or something. On that note, I went to a bar about a month ago to celebrate a friend's birthday. I had a few friends there, but I was determined to try to talk a female who I didn't know before I left. Not any one in particular, just one. I failed. For one, I was paralyzed with fear trying to figure out what I was going to say, and second, I hate approaching people who are already talking to people, because I feel rude if I interrupt. But then if I approach somebody and try to wait for an opening to introduce myself, instead of just barging in like most normal people seem to do, and hang around not saying anything while waiting for that opening, those people are probably thinking, "Who is this creep?" It sucks being an introvert sometimes.

This past Thursday, Friday and Saturday were oppressively hot, at least by September-in-Kentucky standards, like around 100 degrees with a heat index of 108. These past three days have been at least 30 degrees cooler and rainy. I hate when the weather changes drastically like that. As if I didn't have enough to be depressed about, the gloomy wet weather seems to have activated my Seasonal Affective Disorder. I don't care for it being really hot, and we could've used some rain, but damn! I wish some of the rain would go to Texas, where they really need it. I don't regret going off of Lexapro, but I have been wondering if I should've tried some other antidepressant. But since I don't have insurance anyway, how would I have paid for it? I can't help but think sometimes that it was brilliant (sarcasm implied) of Main ex-Employer to lay off the guy who was emotionally hanging by a thread as it was.

Something's got to give.

(Suggested listening: Blown To...:The Best of The Smithereens)

Glad I missed that one!

I had Saturday August 27th off so I could go see my favorite theater's midnight showing of "Road House". I was doubly glad that I didn't have to work that day since a Pop-Country singer was making an appearance at my store. (I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I despise Pop Country, or Cuntry for short.)  I was triply glad I wasn't there after I heard on Sunday what a clusterfuck Saturday night ended up being. A lot of stuff had to be moved into our room to make room for the performer's area, it was a two-truck night, and my crew got a late start on the unloading. This particular singer is now a scapegoat for anything that goes wrong.

If I'm not mistaken, seven people were hired for my crew in August, excluding our new lead, who seems to be an alright guy. Of the seven, only two are still working with us. Two other people moved to 3rd shift stocking, and the last three either quit or got fired. Besides those people, we've also had one person get fired, and two people move to 3rd shift. I'm not great at math, but from what I understand, we basically have as many (non-management) people now as we did at the beginning of August. Smooth! On the upside, if you count our lead guy, we actually gained one person.

One of the books I bought when I went to Borders was the Tenth Anniversary Edition of Barbara Ehrenreich's Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America. I had the original hardcover, but wanted to get this new edition since it had a new Afterword. This book is an absolute Must Read! I had forgotten that it had a whole chapter dedicated to my current employer, and I realized that it was one of the reasons why I resisted getting a job there for so long.

Despite my anxiety mentioned in my previous post, the thought of working at my current job for much longer, or even at Main ex-Employer's warehouse no matter how much I liked it there, makes the idea of going to school more and more attractive.

Decisions, Decisions

(This part was written on Monday. I had more, but decided not to post the rest of it, but I might save it for later.)

I managed to survive another five day stretch at work. Believe it or not, I hate slow nights almost as much as I do two-truck nights. Our truck for Thursday was only 300 pieces, very small. I'm sure they expected us to get it done in an hour, but it took a little longer than that seeing as that the room wasn't set up for us like it's normally supposed to be. And of course, as soon as the truck was unloaded, we had to go do some other task despite the fact that there was more that could've been done in our area. I hate the slow days because that's when we have to do "bitch work", and I'm not really comfortable going outside my regular duties, and the days tend to drag. Friday was a ridiculous two-truck night, totaling up to about 5500 pieces. Those morons still expect us to get each truck done in two hours, whether it's a 1500 piece or a 2500+ piece. Three hours is a much more realistic amount of time for anything over 2000 pieces.

(Now for the new stuff.)

I'm freaking out, again, over the whole work/school thing. Here's what I might possibly have going on.:

• I applied for a major employer a couple of months ago. So many other people applied for those jobs that I doubt I'll get it.
• I mentioned recently that I had an interview with another major employer. It could be a few months before they actually do any hiring, and I'm not sure if I did well enough on the interview to be considered.
• One of the people at Vocational Rehab tried to put in a good word for me at another employer, who isn't doing any immediate hiring yet either. She couldn't guarantee me an interview, but she did say that when they start hiring again, they'll definitely give my application a look.
• I figured that if I didn't hear from any of these jobs by the time "Main ex-Employer" started hiring for the holiday peak season, that I'd try to get on there (because I'll be damned if I was going to work at my current job during the holidays), work there until the end of the year, all while working on getting into school for the Spring semester. I found out that "Main ex-Employer" was using a temp agency this year for the seasonal temps, and ironically it's the same agency I was working for when I decided to try getting back on at "Main ex-Employer" in 2009, so I was worried that the agency wouldn't let me back in. When I did try to apply online, there was a question asking if I had worked either full time or part time for "Main ex-Employer" before, to which I answered "Yes." When I hit the "Next" button, I got a message saying that I'd get an e-mail saying something about my eligibility. The e-mail that I got just said that my information would be carefully reviewed, and that I'd be contacted directly if I were chosen. I can't say I'm too confident about it.
• The financial aid processing deadline date for the Spring semester is October 15th, so I guess I'm going to have to decide if I'm going to school or not before the end of September. But what if I hear from one of the prospective employers after I enroll? What if I suck at the school thing? What if going to school does absolutely nothing for me in the job market, seeing as that lots of other college grads can't find work either? And what if we get someone like Rick Perry or Michelle Bachmann for President next year, thus ensuring the destruction of the U.S., making it all pointless?

Decisions, decisions. How the hell do you people keep from freaking out?

On another note, this is one of those weekends where I wish I still had a "second home" in Louisville since there is so much going on there this weekend. One thing I intend to do is go to Borders for their "Going Out Of Business" sale. I really hate that they're going out of business, but at least I'll be able to buy more than one or two books. While I'm on the subject of book stores, I have a friend who works at Barnes & Noble. The store is a little out of my way to shop at on a regular basis, but I really hope they stick around for my friend's sake.

Metallica's "Black Album": 20 Years Later

Back in 1987, one of my brother's friends gave him a copy of Metallica's "Master Of Puppets". I didn't bother trying to listen to it until a year later. I didn't hear any "real" Metal during most of the 1980s, or any Punk/Hardcore either. By the Summer of 1988, I think the heaviest bands I heard were Whitesnake and Van Halen. I'm not even talking the good old Van Halen either, I'm talking 1984/Van Hagar era! So needless to say, I wasn't really prepared for hearing Metallica. I had never heard a guitar tone like that, nor had I heard anything that was as fast or had as many tempo changes! It seemed so skull crushingly heavy at the time that my brother and I would listen to it for a bit, and then put it away for a couple of months. It was hard to believe that there were people that could listen to this stuff all the time!

Fast forward to Summer 1991: I finally start getting into Thrash Metal, buying Anthrax's "Persistence Of Time" and Suicidal Tendencies' "Controlled By Hatred/Feel Like Shit...Deja Vu." Most of the harder rock I had been listening to before just wasn't aggressive enough to help me deal with all the crap I had gone through during that previous year of school, so Thrash seemed like the next logical step up. Anyway, I remember hearing a song coming out of the upstairs bathroom at home one night (we had a boombox in there), and I was like, "What is that? It kind of sounds like Metallica, but then again it kind of doesn't." Then my brother came to tell me that a new Metallica song was on the radio. All I can say was that it was different. I wasn't 100% sure that I liked it. After hearing a few more songs, I still wasn't sure that I wanted to buy the album. During my freshman year of high school, a friend made a copy of it for me. It was on one side of a 90 minute tape, and it fit all but the last three tracks. He put a Thrash compilation called "Rising Metal" on the other side. Much like the opening track/first single, I didn't know whether I liked the Black Album or not either. It took me until 2007 to say, "Eh, what the hell, I'll buy it." And you know what? After all these years, I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about that album. I decided that it would be a good topic for a blog entry, but I kept putting it off because I wanted to sit down and listen to the whole thing. With this year being the 20th anniversary, I figured now would be the best time to do it.

Judging the songs: Only the first nine tracks of the album made it onto the tape that my friend made, and I've heard all of them on the radio at some point. I don't really have an opinion on a couple of the most overplayed songs, "Enter Sandman" and "Nothing Else Matters", because I've heard them so much that I fail to register any feelings either way when hearing them, except maybe "Oh god, this again?". Compared to "Nothing Else Matters", "The Unforgiven" was definitely the better ballad of the two. "Sad But True" and "Wherever I May Roam" still jam, "Sad But True" especially has a good crunch to it reminiscent of songs like "The Thing That Should Not Be" or "Harvester Of Sorrow". "Don't Tread On Me" has a good riff, but the lyrics seem like a jingoistic apology for the criticisms on "Master Of Puppets" and "...And Justice For All". (Update 6-8-2012: Lars admitted on That Metal Show that he recently listened to "Don't Tread On Me", and thought, "What were we thinking?") I really dig "Holier Than Thou" and "Through The Never", they're about the fastest that Metallica get here. Check out the live version of "Through The Never", it's a little faster than the LP version. "Of Wolf And Man" is okay, I probably would've liked it better had my dumb ass realized sooner that they were saying "Shape shift" and not "Shake Shake". As for the three less familiar-to-me tracks, "The God That Failed" and "The Struggle Within" are sorta badass, the latter being a decent album closer. "My Friend Of Misery" is okay.

Regarding the sound quality, the Black Album is arguably Metallica's overall best sounding album.The first three albums were fairly crappy sounding, and the bass guitar was virtually nonexistent on "...And Justice For All", using the guitars to fill out the bottom end. While I do enjoy the sheer crunch of "...Justice", I do feel kind of bad about Jason Newsted getting the shaft. The guitars were turned down on the Black Album, but you can hear the bass guitar, especially if you have woofers that are at least 6.5 inches. This was in the age before dynamic range compression got out of hand, and this also has the best dynamic range of Metallica's earlier albums.

The story goes that they wanted to do some leaner songs to play live after touring so long with the workouts that were the tracks from "...And Justice For All", and they liked the sound that Bob Rock achieved on Motley Crue's "Dr. Feelgood", so they hired him to produce. I actually believe this story, as opposed to the simple "They went Pop!" accusations that most fans would probably throw out. While it was a decent attempt at streamlining, Slayer did the "slowing down" thing better on "South Of Heaven" and "Seasons In The Abyss", and Pantera, without even trying, pretty much did what Metallica were attempting to do with the Black Album, essentially becoming the new Kings Of Metal to most of the American Metal audience while Metallica gained mainstream acceptance. I was needing something heavier at the time, and this album surely didn't do it for me. But when you get right down to it, I'd still rather listen to most of the Black Album before I'd listen to most of what passes for modern Metal. Despite "Death Magnetic"'s shitty sound quality, I still feel like DM is the album they should have made after "...Justice", then the transition to the "Black Album" style probably wouldn't have felt like such a shock.

One last thing: "Load" and "Reload" are the only Metallica studio albums I don't own, and I don't plan on owning them anytime in the near future. Most of the stuff I've heard from them, especially "Load", just seems like a bad mix of an even more watered down Black Album and too much '70s Hard Rock influence. "Reload" seems a little more inspired, like "Load" was the side of the band on "Garage Inc." that covered Bob Seger, while "Reload" was the side that covered Nick Cave. "St. Anger" was majorly flawed, possibly even crappy, but at least it was more metallic than the Loads.

I wanna go home...

With the exception of Saturday, this was almost a good week at work. From Tuesday through Thursday, Dragon Lady was supposedly on vacation, even though she just got back from vacation last week. Despite all the dumb changes that I mentioned in my previous post, it didn't feel quite as stressful due to Dragon Lady's absence. On Friday, she was fired, for multiple reasons. I didn't find out until Saturday that her biggest offense was stealing. Before that, I actually did hope that she would have better luck finding another job than I have, but I lost any sympathy I might have had for her when I found out about the stealing. Despite being a two-truck night, everybody was in a good mood, and we managed to get stuff done. It was a pretty good night.

On my way to work on Saturday, I heard "Sloop John B" by The Beach Boys, you probably know it better as the "I wanna go home" song. I went in hoping it was going to be a good day, but it turned out to be one of the most frustrating nights since July 4th. Yes, even worse than last Saturday. And I think I'll leave it at that.

I had an interview today, I think it went okay. The place I interviewed at is close to the area where I used to live a couple of years ago. This job pays enough for me to move out to that area, that is if I get the job. I kinda miss living there.

I'm so dreading coming in to work on Tuesday, mostly because I'm wondering if there will be repercussions from Saturday. I'm already ready for this week to be over. Next week is one of those odd weeks where I'm only scheduled to work three days. From a Sunday-through-Saturday perspective (as opposed to the Saturday-through-Friday pay period) I only work two nights next week. I hope I can actually get stuff accomplished.

Making a bad job even worse.

After the depressing three day weekend, I had an excruciating five days at work. Right after the remodel was finally done, the store got a new store manager, and some changes are being made, most of them for the worse. If we have two trucks, they can no longer start unloading the first truck before 4:00, when the unloaders (of which I'm one) come in. No matter how much is on the truck, the truck is expected to be completely unloaded by 6:00. This includes having the palletized freight off the truck, and having the breakpacks (reusable boxes that have assorted stuff) sorted. If we have a second truck, it is to be completed by 8:00. If we have an average size truck (somewhere from 1200 to 1800 pieces) then we might be able to get all the loose freight unloaded by 6:00, but the breakpacks probably won't be finished. But there's no way we can finish a truck larger than 2000 pieces in two hours. That many pieces is enough to fill up the usable portion of our small-ass room, and gods help us if we have a second truck because there will be no place to put the freight from it. So basically, in most cases there's no way we can finish two trucks in four hours, especially since we have to take a break after the first truck or we'll be likely to keel over from exhaustion before Lunch. But if we don't get these done on time, they'll start writing us up.

On Saturday, we had two trucks, one had about 2400 pieces, and the other had about 2200 pieces, adding up to a whopping 4600! It took us two and a half hours to do the first (and supposedly larger) truck, and it took us about three and a half hours to do the second truck! I stayed over for about an hour and ten minutes.

Dragon Lady had been on vacation, and she wasn't missed while she was gone. She returned on Wednesday, which was the first of the two two-truck nights that I worked this week. We only had one 1100 piece truck on Friday. We got all the loose freight done just after 6:00, but the palletized freight was still on there, and the breakpacks weren't finished. It should be noted that we had three new hires come in and work for the first time, so they weren't going to be too quick, and one of our guys was pulled off during the unloading to do something different. Dragon Lady stopped us on our way to the breakroom, and couldn't believe that we didn't quite have everything done, and spouted off a bunch of bullshit. Towards the end of her rant, she said to our acting lead, "These other guys are looking at me like I'm an idiot." You don't know how hard I had to repress the urge to say, "That's because you are!" Granted, she's just taking orders from higher up, but that doesn't mean I can't despise her way of dealing with it. Thankfully, we didn't have to deal with her on Saturday.

I can't help but feel that this is a shitty time to be living in the U.S., and I'm not even worried about the stock market! The stock market, especially the Dow Jones, never really seemed to reflect how me or the average American was doing financially. Or to quote Morrissey, "It speaks nothing to me about my life." I was just thinking that when Morrissey says "Hang the blessed D.J.", you can use D.J. to mean Dow Jones. :)

I'd rather be sailing...

I had three days off this past weekend, but it was ultimately kind of depressing. The fact that Monday would've been my sister's 42nd birthday certainly didn't help, but it wasn't just that. I think I was bummed out mostly because I felt relatively isolated. Saturday, I went to Louisville. Sunday, I only left the house to get dinner for my parents and I. Monday, I went to the Hillview area (northern Bullitt/southern Jefferson County) to stop by the cemetery and to go to the theater to see Captain America. I rarely go to this particular theater because I don't care for that area, but they had a 2-D screening of the movie, which my favorite theater in the Highlands area of Louisville doesn't, and I figured I didn't really have anything to do in Louisville anyway. My only stop after the movie was a quick trip to the grocery.

One of the stations I listened to on my way home was the oldies station. "Sailing" by Christopher Cross came on, and while I'm not a fan of Yacht Rock*, I felt compelled to listen to it anyway. Here were some thoughts I had while listening to it.

1.I'd much rather be out somewhere sailing than driving home. Sure, a lot of people find living in the country to be tranquil, but the ocean just seems cooler to me. And I've never sailed, but CC makes it sound awesome.

2.I can totally imagine Christopher Cross just chilling out in the ocean, but having a 50 caliber machine gun handy in case pirates try to mess with him. In my opinion, that would make him way more badass than Chuck Norris.

3.Smooth.

*In this case, I mean the genre Yacht Rock, and not the web series, which I love.

Where does the time go?

So, I haven't posted in a while, roughly a week and a half to be exact. I haven't really had the time or energy to blog on my work nights, and I've been too busy being out-and-about or chatting with friends on my off nights to do it then, either. Last week was the first time in a while that I've worked four days straight, which felt really odd. My schedule for this week is really jacked up. I was off on Saturday, worked Sunday, have Monday off, work on Tuesday, am off Wednesday and Thursday, and I work Friday. I can't really say I'm fond of this "off a day, on a day, off a day..." thing either. I think this Saturday will be the start of going back to a regular schedule.

I'm amazed at how little I can accomplish on a day off. I mean, I did three loads of laundry, but I was really hoping to get more writing done than I did. I did the first paragraph of this entry at about 4-something, got tired, and saved the draft so I could add more later, but for the most part I've forgotten what I wanted to write about. I will say that after I saved the draft, I went to town to get supper for my parents and I, watched a show that I recorded while folding laundry, tried watching Countdown but ended up napping through it, watched part of The Rachel Maddow Show, then watched a couple more shows that I recorded. I figure the main thing I'll try to do when I get off the computer is watch a movie that's on the DVR. There are not enough hours in the day to do everything I'd like to do. And my co-workers wonder why I don't want to get into World Of Warcraft! I don't have time to play the games I have for my PS2, much less time for that hulking monstrosity.

Another thing I did today was look for job openings. Needless to say, it's still looking pretty bleak.

Attitude

Tuesday was a much easier night at work than the previous two nights, mostly because they had a bunch of temps start unloading the truck well before we got there. I even got to leave at 1:00. Anyway, the guy who is my direct boss will be switching to another department soon, so they're taking applications for his replacement. The main guy who is in charge when our direct boss is off is ineligible for the job because he has some "coaching" on his work record, but I think the statute of limitations on it was getting ready to expire, so he was going to try to talk to a manager about getting the "coaching" taken off or something. When he said something to "Dragon Lady manager", she basically told him he wasn't fit for the job. The best part of the exchange went something like this:

Manager: "You've got a bad attitude."
Dude: "Well, who doesn't around here?
Manager: "Me."
Dude: "That's the funniest joke I've ever heard."

I'll admit, the guy really doesn't have a great attitude, and isn't the best person for the job, but with as overworked and underpaid as we are, AND have to put up with Dragon Lady, how can you not have a bad attitude?

I checked out my schedule for this week, and it looks like I'll be working Tuesday through Saturday, which among other things means that I won't get to go to either the Tuesday or Thursday meetings of the Depression/Bipolar support group. I'm not too happy about that.

No Vaseline.

When I came in to work on Sunday, we only had one truck to unload, but there was so much overstock that we had virtually no place to put most of the new freight. When I heard later that night that we were supposed to have two trucks for Monday, a fucking holiday, I was like, "What the fuck?" I knew Monday was going to be a bad night. When I came in, I thought for sure that the room would at least be set up for us to start right away, but it wasn't, so we spent a good deal of time moving shit around. We had a lot of help with the first truck, and I think we finished it in two hours. When we got back from break, we wrapped up some of the loaded pallets and put them in the trailer that we just emptied. There was a whole bunch of overstock in front of the dock door where the second trailer was, and we had to move that shit around too. One dumbass manager kept going back there, asking if we had started yet, and every time I did, I just wanted to laugh at him. At one point he was like, "This truck has to be done by 8:00, and I am NOT staying over!" Seeing as that we were probably going to have to stay past our scheduled end time of 1:00, I had no sympathy for him whatsoever. I seriously doubt that he stayed past 8:00 anyway, because I didn't see him anytime after 8. We went to lunch from 8:30 to 9:30, and finally got the truck unloaded sometime before midnight. Half of the official unloading crew left sometime after 1:00, while me and the other two guys who finished things up left at around 2:15.

This was one of the most moronic nights I've had at work in a while. For one, you'd think they would be easy on us on a holiday, but no, they really pounded us in the ass! Second, whoever keeps ordering shit really needs to pay attention to the overstock! There was absolutely no need for two trucks! The worst part is that I won't be getting Holiday Pay for it! You have to be there three months to get Holiday Pay, and I've only been there for just over two months. This was, without a doubt, the shittiest 4th Of July ever. I'm really glad that I picked The Ramones "Greatest Hits Live" to listen to on my way to and from work. If that doesn't get you energized, then nothing will.

The only good thing I can say about today is that I found out when I got on Facebook that The Pixies will be playing in Louisville on November 9th.

Freaking out about the future

Between the death of the acquaintance that I mentioned in my previous post, the fact that I probably won't be going to school until next year (and continuing to work until then), and the thought that we might possibly have a Republican President next year, I've really been freaking out about the future even more than normal.

Since I won't be going to school for a while, I've considered applying somewhere that my Vocational Rehab people can probably help me get a job with. What freaked me out was when my Voc Rehab person asked me if I intended to stay on at this place after I start school. I have no intention to, since I don't think I could juggle school and work, but I know that doesn't look good since companies (supposedly) want people who would be in it for the long haul. I'm also afraid that if I go to work there, then I might make too much money to qualify for a Pell Grant for the 2012/2013 year. Then again, we'll be lucky if the GOP doesn't take that away from us.

I was shocked and saddened on Thursday when I learned about the passing of Doug Norman. I was never really really close to him, but I always enjoyed talking music with him. He was an especially big fan of 1960's Garage/Psychedelic Rock, and even fronted a Garage Rock band called Thee Flying Carpets. When I discovered the Carpets at the end of 2004, they were on hiatus, but had a CD out. I finally met Doug the following Summer at Louisville Mojo's Second Birthday Bash. In 2007, I finally got to see Thee Flying Carpets play live with a revamped lineup. Between 2007 and now, I think I only got to see them two, maybe three times. It would have been four or five had I stuck around long enough at one show, and gotten to another show early. He sent me a message one time on Louisville Mojo, congratulating me for locking a thread in the forums about Louisville's smoking ban. We were both for it. I used to see him pretty frequently at Third Street Dive, whether it was for a show or The Midnight Hour Sound System, an event that went on on most Thursdays where some DJs would play records from or inspired by the 1960s. I saw him there the past couple of times that I went to see The Midnight Hour Sound System, but didn't bother to talk to him. I'm not sure why I didn't talk to him, maybe I just didn't have much to say. Then again, I hardly ever talk to anybody anymore, especially when I'm listening to music inside a bar. Since I was in town this past Thursday, a trip to the Dive was pretty much mandatory. I made it a point of actually trying to talk to people this time. It was totally what I needed.

I don't think I can bring up Third Street Dive here without paying tribute to Steve Gordon, who pretty much started the place up. I didn't really talk to him a whole lot, probably because it was rare when I didn't see him talking to somebody else, and I hate interrupting conversations*. I actually first met him back in 1997, he worked as a temp at my then employer for a day and a half, but we had some good conversations in that time. It took me a few years after I started going to the Dive before I finally did talk to him, and asked him if he remembered working at the place where I first met him. I think the fact that I could remember that time so well might have freaked him out a little bit. Sadly, I didn't really talk to him a whole lot after that, either.

*Seriously, I don't know how to come up and talk to people when they're talking to somebody else. I think it's rude to just come up and bust in, but if I go up and just stand there, not saying anything while waiting for an opening, I come off like a creep. End side note.

My heart goes out to my friends who were really close to these guys, as well as their other friends in these circles who have passed away this year. There have been too many of them, and they've died way too young. It really makes me want to do something better with my life than busting my ass for slave wages while getting yelled at by some psycho bitch. Life is too short for that shit.

Fail

(I actually worked on this on Wednesday night, but Blogger had some problems, and I could neither save nor post this when I was finished. Instead, I copied and pasted it onto a text document, and pasted it in here today. What you see here is what all I intended to post on Wednesday night. I had thought about adding more to it, but I'm too upset from having learned about an acquaintance's passing.)

I had Saturday night off, and while it was nice to see "The Dark Knight" on the big screen again (albeit in digital projection rather than 35mm), I can't help but feel like the night was disappointing overall.

Sunday through Tuesday at work were pretty crappy since way too many people were off. We only had one truck on Sunday, but we didn't get out until 1:30. We had two big trucks on Monday. We had a lot of temps help us. The temps who helped with the first truck were at least experienced with unloading, the temps who helped us with the second truck weren't. As if we didn't have enough to deal with, a manager that I've brought up before was yelling at us constantly. I'm sorry, but yelling at me isn't going to make me work even quicker, in fact it's probably going to make me slow down and tell you to fuck off. Despite only having one truck on Tuesday, she yelled at us again. I seriously hope she's not there on whatever day I determine to be my last working there, because I WILL tell her to fuck off then!

After finally getting a hold of somebody from the school that I applied to last week, I got my letter of acceptance today. Unfortunately, it seems that I've missed my Processing Deadline for Financial Aid for the Fall 2011 semester by a week! Oh well, guess I'll try for the Spring 2012 semester.

Today, I went to a little event in Louisville called Waterfront Wednesday, which is a concert series that my favorite local station, 91.9 WFPK, holds on the last Wednesday of every month during the Spring/Summer at Waterfront Park. In the seven years that I've been aware of it, this was my first time going. Excuses for not going in the past usually had to do with work, weather, or not knowing if anybody I knew was going to be there. I was really only interested in seeing the opening band, so I got there early, but some people I know from a local "dating" (formerly social networking) site were supposed to meet up between the first and second bands. I saw a few people I knew, but didn't see some of the others who were supposed to show up. I did see a few other people I knew. From about 7:30 on, it seemed more about trying to find people that I knew rather than just checking out the music, and I ceased to enjoy it, so I left before 9:00.

One of my friends on Facebook mentioned that the job search had fried his brain. A girl who works at Main ex-Employer commented with, "I'm assuming (Main ex-Employer) has been taken off the table of options...not enough $$$ for ya?" I had considered responding with some smart ass comment about the job search frying my brain, no thanks to a company that won't be named, but decided instead to bite my tongue and say, "I know the feeling." Because seriously, job searching does fry your brain!

Something's got to give.

I had a lot of thoughts last Friday, ranging from the personal to the national levels, that got me thinking that something's got to give. I know that "you've got to do what you've got to do" to support yourself, or especially your family if you have one, but where do you draw the line? I needed the job, but by working where I work, I almost feel like I'm supporting eroding wages. I hate how most people these days are happy to settle for slave wages, as if it has always been and always will be the norm. Some of these people are the same people who believe the bullshit being spewed from Talk Radio and Fox News, are angry at the wrong people, and elect the very people who are fucking them in the ass who are backed by the people who they should really be angry with. It's like, "Who cares if the people who are employing me are screwing me? American Idol is on!" Some people, like in Wisconsin, have woken up, but I wonder what it will take to wake the rest of the people up? If I were a much more charismatic person, I'd probably run for office and whip everyone up into a Populist frenzy. I'd possibly even run as a Republican, making Republican campaign promises, and then vote way Left when I actually get to office.

Due to my Auditory Processing Disorder, there are times when I really feel like screaming because I can't find the words that properly describe my thoughts or feelings, especially when the person I'm talking to seems to be having a different conversation from the one I thought I was having. I had a really frustrating conversation with my mom about the fact that I have this Saturday off because I wanted to go to my favorite theater's midnight showing of The Dark Knight. It started when my mom mentioned that she didn't know I was off today, and I told her that I had today and Thursday off, along with Saturday. Then she said, "Well, working is more important than a movie." As usual, wires got crossed, and we somehow got to talking about two different things. My taking Saturday off is really is about a lot more than just "going to a movie," the best way I can describe it is that it's about having some kind of work/life balance, a kind of "mental health day", though what I'm really thinking is much grander in scale. I don't know what she's thinking, but it's not like I'm calling in sick that day. I put in the time off request last month, the day has been approved, and there's not much I can do about it. If I try going in to work that day, the time clock won't let me clock in because it will just tell me that I'm not scheduled to come in that day. When I made the time off request, I figured that they would let me have that day off and have me work on one of my usual off days, rather than giving it to me along with my regular two days off, making a total of three days off. She also said, "You're gonna have to get used to workin', we won't be here forever." What am I really working for, anyway? I don't have a family to support, and with the way my social life and work schedule is going, it looks like I won't have to worry about it anytime soon. I figure that if I keep going on my current path, I'm probably going to end up living in a shack in the woods, and dying a lonely old hermit. The only thing I'm currently working for is my car, the same one that I've mentioned before that I almost sold two years ago, only to be talked out of it by my parents. I surely don't own that car, the car owns ME! I kind of need a car since I live too far from anywhere NOT to drive. I'll be glad when that s.o.b. is paid off next March.

The video is "Where Do Ya Draw The Line?" by Dead Kennedys.

A surprise Sunday off

Saturday night was one of those horrible Two Truck nights, and to make matters worse, we were slightly understaffed. But anyway, I decided to check my schedule during lunch, and was relieved to find that I had next Saturday off. (Just a reminder, I had put in some Time Off Requests for all the Midnight Movie Saturdays in June and July, as well as Sunday the 19th for a private screening of a friend's movie.) When I finally clocked out for the night at around 1:45-ish, I felt compelled to check the schedule again, and realized that I actually did have Sunday off after all, so I was going to get to go to the screening.

My original plan for Sunday was to not leave until about an hour or so before the movie was scheduled to start, and I'd try to get a lot done at home. You know, stuff like blogging. I knew that wasn't going to happen when my mom asked me if I could go to town to get some food, plus someone on Facebook had mentioned that a Rockabilly band was playing at Willow Park, so I figured that would be something to do before the movie, and why not, seeing as this would probably be my only Sunday off until who-knows-when. With the exception of showering and shaving, I got absolutely nothing accomplished.

When I got home from getting the food, I saw some silly puppy dogs run up the driveway. They followed me to the front door, but I managed to get in without letting them in. My dad, who had been in his garage, accidentally let them in when he came in. Getting them out was a pain, and I think the cats were traumatized, but I found it totally hilarious.

The Sunday Summer concerts at Willow Park are usually a good time. They usually draw a good crowd, but it disappoints me that I don't see more people that I know at these things. After all, if you have a "normal" work schedule, it's a good way to spend the day before you go back to work on Monday. It's still kind of fun to see people dancing, or kids playing around. The vast majority of attendees are older folks and young families. Seeing the young families, I couldn't help but think that my parents never did anything fun with live music like that when I was growing up. Seeing the older folks, I thought that I hope I can find somebody to grow old with, and who'll go out to fun stuff like that with me when we get old.

I got to the theater really early, and saw somebody I knew from the Depression/Bipolar support group, he was going in to see 13 Assassins. If I remember correctly, he had asked me what I knew about it, and I mentioned that a friend of mine seemed to like it, and somewhere along the way it was mentioned that it was foreign, and when him and his friend realized that they might actually have to read subtitles, he was like, "I can't read subtitles", and then I guess they went to see if they could get their money back or see something else. They did come back in and ask me what I knew about the other movies showing, to which I knew little since I had no interest in the other movies that were showing. But them saying that they couldn't read subtitles pissed me off to no end. I never got to figure out if he meant he literally couldn't read subtitles, since he may have some mental issue with reading or something that I don't know about, or that he just didn't want to read them. As a hardcore movie geek, I really have a problem with people who don't like subtitles, or have some other idiosyncrasy like not liking Black & White movies.

All in all, it was an interesting day. What I did find disappointing though was that today was the first time I had seen a lot of people in a long time, yet I didn't get to talk to them near as much as I would've liked.

6-16

Tuesday was my last visit to my psychiatrist. Her office is in Louisville, not too far from where I used to live. After my visit, I went to the area where I used to live to get some gas, food, and some coffee before I went to work. I was kind of surprised to find that the trip from there to my Mega Lo Mart was probably no longer than 20 minutes, a few minutes less than it takes me to get there from my home in BFE.


I was hoping to write more during the past couple of days, but it's pretty late and I don't feel like it. Hopefully I'll have something up soon.

Some thoughts: June 8th edition

This was the first "good" week I've had since I started working at Mega Lo Mart. It makes me think that I actually wouldn't mind working there if they paid me at least $2 more per hour. Like any other job, there are little things that happen during the work day that annoy the piss out of me, but the work hasn't been so overwhelming that it makes me totally hate everything at the end of the night.

One of my favorite things about my days off is not having to wear my athletic shoes. Last November, I finally found a pair that fit me right, but they're not really breathable enough to wear during the Summer. I'd get me something similar with more mesh, but I can't exactly afford new shoes on my slave wages. If I must go out on my days off, I wear my Crocs Santa Cruz shoes. The best purchases I made from Main ex-Employer were three different pairs of them.

I called my psychiatrist's office today to try to reschedule my appointment for next Tuesday to something like the 23rd, a day where I'd likely be off and which happens to be a Pay Day. I was informed that she'll be closing the practice soon, and I wouldn't be able to reschedule since they're all booked up for the next five weeks, trying to get everybody's last visits with her in. I decided to keep my appointment. I'm less worried about myself than for my mom, who also sees her, since this means she'll have to look for a new psychiatrist. My mom seemed to like her, so I guess that I lucked out in that my first shrink was a good one.

Speaking of which, it's been a week since I took my last Lexapro, and I'm not feeling any overwhelming side effects.

Being an Anthony Weiner fan, I was pretty disappointed when I came home Monday night to find out that he had lied about the pics, and admitted that they were of him. Despite this setback, I think he should finish out his term. After all, if we have to put up with Tea Party Koch-suckers for another year and a half, then he might as well stick around. I figure this is just another distraction from REAL issues anyway, like Clarence Thomas not recusing himself from cases like Citizens United where he had a conflict of interest. It's amazing to think now that that son of a bitch got confirmed to the Supreme Court in the first place.