Someday, he'll begin his life again!

Friday night at work wasn't too horrible. It started out crappy, got kinda good, then ended sorta crappy. By that, I mean it looked like we would get out on time, but then we were given the bullshit task of squashing some plastic-type stuff in the cardboard baler. The baler used to just be for cardboard, but somewhere along the way they decided to start putting plastic in it. My normal end time is 1:00 a.m., we decided at 1:30 to just stop and let the next shift take care of it.

Saturday was fucking horrible. We had way more to do than we could handle in 8 hours. Some people left at 1:00, I left at 2:00, while a couple of others stayed until 2:30. It's not like they really pay us enough to put up with this shit anyway, but that was one of those nights where it really felt like working there wasn't worth it.

On Sunday, I had a tougher time getting out of bed than usual because I was so wore out, and with the exception of getting up a couple of times to use the restroom, I pretty much slept up until a minute before my alarm was to go off. (Actually, the first time I woke up was less than an hour after I went to bed, I was awakened by the cat who sometimes hides under my bed before I go to bed. At 11:00-ish a.m., I got woke up by the phone ringing.) It actually ended up being a really easy day at work. If I had more nights like tonight, I wouldn't mind working there so much. There were only two of us in my crew today who had worked on Saturday, and our boss let the two of us leave a little early since we worked so late on Saturday, and it seemed like everything was going to be done by 1:00. If I hadn't been so wore out from Saturday, and didn't have to work on Monday, I would have gone out after work instead of going home. It's been years since I've had to work on a Memorial Day.

I've got two more nights of this crap, then two nights off, then I work another five days. So much for being "Part Time". Looks like my schedule will be the same for at least the next couple of weeks.

While I was at work on Friday night, I kept having this line from Pearl Jam's "Evenflow" going through my head: "Someday he'll begin his life again!" It mostly went through my head because I think it's funny how Eddie Vedder says "someday", like "someday-ay-ay". But I also found it kind of fitting for me because I really hope to begin my life again someday, like I can finally live my life without being angry and bitter about getting laid off, and all the repercussions that came with it.

I went to Ear X-tacy Records on Thursday, which is just across the street from where my Depression/Bipolar support group meets up. I went there to get the new Beastie Boys CD, but I have a hard time going there and not browsing everything else. I found an old used copy of Metallica's "Master Of Puppets". I considered buying it just to see how it compares to my DCC Compact Classics version, but decided that if I was going to buy anything else while I was there, that it would be something that I don't have in any form. I doubt that it will go very quickly, since everybody and their dog has "Master Of Puppets" and not many people are aware that the older albums have been remastered* anyway, but I still feel like I should snatch it up soon. (*In 1994/95, Metallica's first four albums were remastered, but they decided to be sneaky about it. You can tell the remasters from the older versions because the copyright on the remasters say E/M Ventures next to the year, instead of Elektra Records or Elektra Entertainment. They'll probably also have something in the liner notes about the Metallica fan club and web site. I don't really need a remaster of "Master Of Puppets", but I wouldn't mind having an old copy of "Kill 'em All", especially if it has the "Garage Days Revisited" tracks on it.)

I'd write more, but it's getting late.

Wednesday was "Laundry/Chillax Day", today was "Getting Out Day". I got paid today, and I believe I made about as much working at Mega Lo Mart for two weeks as I did for only one week at Main ex-Employer. I'm totally feeling like an underachiever. There were a few things I meant to do on my two days off that I didn't get around to:

1.Update my resume to include my new employer.
2.Actually look for work online.
3.Contact a person or two that my vocational rehab counselor referred me to for the community college that I'm hoping to go to in the Fall.

Speaking of college and work, I was excited when I saw the cover story for this month's Wired Magazine ("The Smartest Jobs in America"), in hopes that it would help me decide what I should study in college. But it was kind of vague, and a little bit of a letdown.

I can't wait until I feel like I can do "normal people" stuff again. I'll leave it at that.

Recent thoughts on music: Gen-X Radio

When we get to listen to the radio at work, we usually listen to Gen-X Radio. There are many worse stations to listen to, but it's still not good to listen to on a daily basis. If you're not familiar with the Gen-X Radio format, here's a link to the playlist. I always liked the concept, but thought the execution was way off. Here are some of my gripes.

1.Hair bands, especially Bon Jovi and Poison. If you think of Generation X as being an entire age group, then including Hair Bands kind of makes sense. When I think of Generation X, I think less of an entire age group and more of a subculture within the age group who usually listened to more Alternative forms of music, whether it was Indie Rock, Techno, or even some harder or left-of-center kinds of Metal. The rise of Alternative Rock in the early '90s had a lot to do with people being sick of Hair Bands being the dominant form of Rock on the radio, which is why I don't think Hair Bands belong on a Gen-X themed station. In fact, this is closer to what I think of as a proper Gen-X station.

2.Too much Gen-Y crap. The logical ending cut off point for a Gen-X station in my opinion would be 2000, or maybe 1999 so we wouldn't have to put up with Kid Rock. They play way too much Nickelback, Puddle Of Mudd, Evanescence, Trapt, Linkin Park, Nelly, Kelly Clarkson, 3 Doors Down, Staind, and some stuff that's only 3 or 4 years old. Part of the fun of Gen-X Radio is hearing stuff that hadn't gotten played much in years, but the crap I just mentioned have been staples of Rock and Hot A.C. stations during the past ten years, so we haven't even had a chance to "miss" these songs yet. These songs are evidently getting too "old", and it's like Clear Channel is trying to find a place to dump them so they can make room for newer songs on their other stations.

3.On a similar note, most of the '90s Rock/MOR (Middle Of the Road) portion of the Gen-X Radio playlist were permanent staples of the Rock and Hot A.C. stations for the past 20 years! That's even more music that we haven't had a chance to miss yet.

4.Lots of really odd edits, like whole portions of songs getting cut. I think they do this to make more time for commercials.

5.They don't seem to know shit about genres on their commercials. Recently, I heard them describe "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)" by The Offspring as Grunge, and "Rhythm Is A Dancer" by Snap! as Hip Hop. Really?

6.The last gripe (for now) is the same gripe I have about every other god damned commercial station out there: the playlist. If you listen to it during the work day every day, you'll hear the same songs, just shuffled around. And if you hear one Prince song, it will most likely be "Kiss". If you hear a two Prince songs, it's going to be "Kiss" and a really odd sounding version of "7". Plus the combination of Nickelback, Bon Jovi, Poison, Kid Rock, and Puddle Of Mudd amounts to a Perfect Storm of shit.

So, the world didn't end after all.

In case you hadn't heard, some kooks were predicting that the world would end today. Being an atheist (which I might talk about some time), I knew it wasn't going to happen. But there was a small part of me that was kind of hoping it would, just so I wouldn't have to deal with as many assholes, or my job. Sure enough, there were plenty of people out shopping tonight. There was even one lady who at 9-something tonight was wanting help with getting some fabric cut. I'm not sure which is worse, shopping for fabric at a Mega Lo Mart at 9-something on a Saturday night, or working there at 9-something on a Saturday night.

It's Friday, so what?

I managed to survive working Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Thursday was the first time in a couple of weeks that I got to leave at 1:00 a.m.. I had kind of a hard time trying to enjoy today since it was my only day off, and I have to work the next four days. I got up early (for me) to go see my vocational rehab counselor at 2:00 to talk about school. After seeing him, I went to my favorite theater to see "Bridesmaids", then I hung out at the coffee shop for a while. I could've went to a local band's last show or something, but didn't feel like staying out late, like I would rather go home and blog. I really wish that I had had Thursday night off, then I could've gone to my group and went to see one of my favorite bands afterward. My employer seems seems to have a knack for scheduling me to work on nights when not much is happening. I think I may have to break down and tell somebody, "Yo, I'm going to need Tuesdays (or Thursdays) off from now on" so I can at least go to the group once a week.

I seem to have finally gotten over the crud. My senses of taste and smell seemed to make a full return on Tuesday. Now I just wish I could get rid of the constant dread that I feel over my job, or maybe find a job that isn't quite so dreadful.

Monday...bleargh. And I didn't even have to work.

I spent my two days off recovering from the four days I worked and the stopped up head. I've gotten some of my sense of smell back. When you've gone a while without being able to smell much, even things that smell bad will smell good to you, for a while anyway. I would have updated my resume and continued the job search had I been feeling better.

I had originally planned to get out today, but I woke up in a really weird way, plus I didn't see the point in partaking in things like coffee or really good food if I couldn't taste a whole lot.

Despite what I said some posts ago about the benefits of second shift, I haven't really been feeling them. I guess working on second shift only seems okay when the job doesn't suck. You're probably sick of hearing this already, but I'm dreading the next three nights.

Another nightmare week at work.

I worked Wednesday through Saturday this past week, each night seemed to be worse than the last.

With the exception of dealing with Psycho Bitch and Miss Congeniality, Wednesday wasn't all that horrible. The store was prepping for their inventory count, and we couldn't take anything off the trucks until the inventory was done. So, we got to do other stuff, and got to leave a little early.

My normal work hours are 4 p.m. to 1 a.m. Due to the inventory thing on Thursday, I was scheduled for 6 p.m. to 3 a.m. instead. I got to leave at 3:15, and got home around 3:45. I'm usually in bed by that time. Oh, and we had two trucks to do. We normally do one, and only occasionally do two, but we made pretty good time for having two trucks. But I didn't sleep good at all, and wasn't fully recovered when I got up on Friday. Again, we had two trucks. I think we finished by 11:45. By the time all was said and done, I could barely walk.

I slept better on Saturday morning, but wasn't really feeling ready to get out of bed when the time came to get up. We had two freakin' trucks for the third night in a row! Even worse, we were shy a few people, so we had to get a lot of outside help. The only upside was that neither Psycho Bitch nor Miss Congeniality were there. When we have two trucks, we normally have the gist of the trucks done by lunch, but I think it was 11:00 before the trucks were finally unloaded. I was so pissed off that I had thought about leaving at 11:00 to go the Baxter Avenue Theater's midnight showing of  "Mommie Dearest", but I somehow remained rational (?) enough to realize that no matter how much I hated working there, that walking off the job to see a movie wasn't worth facing the wrath of my dad in the morning. I got off just after 2:00.

Last week, I had issues with dizziness. This week, I had a stopped up head, possibly a sinus infection, making an already miserable week even more miserable. Despite making my Neti Pot work double time, it's gotten to the point where I can barely taste or smell anything. That really sucks, but I can't complain too much about it since my dad lost his sense of smell after his laryngectomy (throat cancer), and thus has a greatly diminished sense of taste. But anyway, I just got over some similar shit a couple of months ago, and I hope this goes away faster than last time.

Tonight, I heard a word that I dread hearing in regards to my work performance: speed. I can't remember if I've brought it up before, but for some reason I'm unable to consistently work as fast as the average person. My Auditory Processing Disorder can explain why I might be mentally slow*, but not why I'm physically slow. A manager brought up that I probably would be slow seeing as that I'm still fairly new and unfamiliar with some things, but when you get right down to it, I move slow, and I was wore the hell out, so I wasn't exactly going to be a model of speed. Not to mention I felt a little impaired due to having a stopped up head. Don't ask me how that works out.

*Don't confuse being mentally slow with being stupid. I hate when I tell people that I'm slow, then they tell me that I'm not stupid. It's like, "DUH! I know I'm not stupid! I didn't fucking say that I was stupid!" When I took a Wechsler test a couple of years ago for Vocational Rehab, the psychologist who tested me even said that while it took me longer to finish some stuff on the test than most people, that I at least got all the answers right. :)

Maybe I'm not so crazy after all?

There are a couple of higher-ups at work who absolutely drive me bonkers. I'm really glad that I don't have to work with them for an entire shift. Today wasn't a usual day at work. At one point, me and two other people asked our direct boss, who seems to be a decent enough guy, what we should do. He told us, and when we were on our way to do it, someone who is way higher up stopped us and asked us what we were doing, and when we told her, she was like, "No no no!", then told us there was something else that needed to be done, and to go get some scan guns and portable printers. So we go to the room where the scan guns and portable printers are, sign the stuff out, then she comes in and is like, "Forget it." Then she had us basically do what we would have been doing had she not stopped us, except she had the other person who drives me bonkers show us exactly how to do it. For some reason, Bonker #2 stopped during the middle of her explanation to tell us that we need to be more enthusiastic about something-or-other. It was really funny coming from this woman because she doesn't exactly ooze enthusiasm or perkiness. I couldn't help but think, "Where the hell did this come from?" We can only show so much enthusiasm when you have so many different people telling you to do so many different things.

2008

A few weeks ago, my brother and I were talking about how we couldn't believe it was already 2011, and that it felt like it should still be 2008. As I mentioned in The Saga Of The Past 3+ Years, 2008 was a pretty significant year for me. It was a horrible year, but almost fun compared to life since January 1st, 2009. I almost wouldn't mind doing it over again, except this time without the dying sister or the idiot President.

On a related note, My Morning Jacket is about to put out a new studio album, their first one since 2008's "Evil Urges". I feel like I should still be listening to "Evil Urges", or VHS Or Beta's "Bring On The Comets".

A quick one

Today was my first day getting to go to Louisville since April 30th, and it was pretty enjoyable. I went to the coffee shop to do some reading, then went to my favorite theater to see Thor. Then after getting something to eat, I went to visit my blog buddy Natalie. I'm looking forward to going to my group tomorrow, and trying not to think too much about going back to work on Wednesday.

Speaking of work, a customer on Saturday remembered me from the job I got fired from a year ago. He said that he quit about a week after I got walked out. It was always funny when I'd whine recently about not having a job, and people would tell me, "So-and-so" is hiring, to which I'd have to tell them, "Been there, got fired." If a place is almost always hiring, there's a good reason for why that is.

There's lots of stuff I've been wanting to write about, especially in regards to The Loudness War, but haven't had the time. I have a friend who is a teacher and an assistant manager at a movie theater, and still somehow finds time for hobbies, like making movies. Needless to say, he probably doesn't get a lot of sleep. I wish I didn't mind sacrificing sleep so that I could do all that I want to do, but I enjoy the bed too much.

Over and over again

I was hoping to post earlier today, but the site was acting all wonky. They must have been short of help or something since it's Mother's Day.

The last three days were sheer Hell. I think I've pretty much repressed the memories of the actual work, so I'm not going to dig them up here. I can say that there are some managers who I absolutely cannot stand. I'm also still reeling from the ex-coworker's engagement. I try, but I can't stop thinking about it, it's like that damn Nelly song, "Over And Over". I'm aware that that kind of thinking isn't healthy, and I'm afraid of turning into some Darth Vader-esque monster if I keep it up.

As if I wasn't miserable enough, I had some dizziness to deal with on top of all that, possibly due to the Lexapro. Some of the known side effects are Dizziness, weight gain, and increased blood pressure. When I started on Lexapro in 2009, I was taking 10 milligrams. It seemed to make me dizzy at times, mostly when I had to be really physically active. When I realized that the Lexapro was the most likely cause, I cut myself down to 5 milligrams, and felt better, or at least I got dizzy a lot less frequently. Today, I only took 2.5 milligrams. I've been wondering for a while if the supposed benefits of the medicine outweigh the real hassles of the side effects, and have considered slowly weaning myself off of it. I guess I should call my psychiatrist first, but I hope I won't have to make an appointment since I don't have much money at the moment. I'm afraid that she'll try to get me on some other kind of medicine instead of letting me try to get off antidepressants altogether. With the exception of withdrawals, I don't see how I could end up in any worse shape than I was five years ago before I started taking them. It should be noted that my general practitioner started me on antidepressants a year before I started seeing my psychiatrist, so my shrink really didn't get to know me when I wasn't taking them.

On a brighter note, the bridge that I pass on my main way to town is no longer flooded over, so I don't have to take the long way around. :)

We don't want the funk!

I've got today off, and will be working Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I had originally planned on going to Louisville and possibly seeing Todd Snider perform at Waterfront Park, but decided not to. I guess I was feeling too miserable to even make the drive. The weather turned out fairly nice, which makes it an even bigger shame that I didn't go anywhere. I can't stand the thought of not being anywhere but home or work for an entire week, but not going anywhere today means I have more money for gas and lunch. Oh, and I'll also get to see Thor on one of my days off next week! :)

Back in March, a friend referred me to a Depression/Bipolar support group that she had been going to. They have meetings on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm kinda bummed that I'll have to miss out on the meetings this week since I was scheduled to work on both Tuesday and Thursday. I was actually in relatively good spirits when I started going to the meetings, and didn't really "need" it so much as it gave me a reason to get out of the house, but I feel like I actually have been needing it these past few weeks since I've actually been down in the dumps. BTW, I'm not bipolar, just depressed.

I hate my job, or more like I hate that I'm working for "The Devil", and hate that I don't get paid enough for the kind of work I'm doing. And I'm forced to wear jeans, even if it's hot. There are a couple of things I like about it though:

1.I get an entire hour for lunch! That gives me time to eat and nap, though I haven't had any luck sleeping when I've tried to nap there. In fact I came closer to sleeping whenever I did the computer training. They really need some couches or something.

2.I don't have to go through a metal detector! If you've never had to go through a metal detector just to get in or out of work, consider yourself lucky.

That's all I can think of for the moment.

Post-Script to Many Happy Returns

I don't really even know why I'm so upset about the engagement. I'll always love her for being the only ex-coworker from "Main ex-Employer" to show up to my sister's visitation, but I'm not really as "in love" with her as I was even this time last year. I think I actually do know the reason why I'm upset, I'm just having trouble putting it into words, as I often do. I figure that the reason is pretty obvious, you'll figure it out, and will say it better than I could.

Many Happy Returns

Do you remember the ex-coworker I mentioned in paragraph 4 of  Love Stinks? Well, I just found out today that she's now engaged to the ogre. Kinda hurts. Between this and working at "Megalomart", I can't help but feel that my life might have been better today, or at least more interesting, had Main ex-Employer not laid me off. Who knows, if I had been working with her when "the window" opened, maybe she would've been with me, even for just a little while? Or, maybe I would've tried and struck out, then they would've ended up together anyway, in which case I'm not sure I could've stood to work there anymore.

Either way, Fuck My Life.