Great, another one gone...

 As soon as I was finally getting over last Fall/Winter's bullshit (see previous entries), someone else had to go and break my heart. One of my biggest karaoke crushes blocked me on Facebook last Thursday. Why, I don't know. The last time I saw or talked to her was at a silent disco three weeks prior. The top reason I can think of for blocking me would be she got tired of her notifications blowing up from all my Likes on her posts and stories. The last posts of hers I reacted to were one about her not meaning to turn a work meeting into a therapy session, and one about being in the middle of a river. Or, maybe someone told her how much I really liked her? The girl has been through some shit this year, so I can't hate her too much, but it still hurts. Trying to make new friends at the monthly karaoke has been a fool's errand. I'm still friends with a few of them, but it seems like I just end up alienating people after a while. It's almost like I shouldn't bother talking to anyone who I wasn't already friends with before I started going there.

The KJ from the monthly karaoke has a weekly karaoke gig at a bar on Tuesdays. I rarely went at first because it starts at 9:00, and I'm dead to the world on Tuesday nights after working around 36 hours in three days, or occasionally 40-44 hours in four days. Since December, it had been a combination of that and the fact that one of the fuckheads who unfriended me in December attends every week. I decided to go this past Tuesday since I was on vacation. I probably shouldn't have, since I might have been agitated when I went in, and got more agitated while I was there. I want to emphasize that it was no fault of my friends, it was more things like having a speaker directly over us blasting music, so I couldn't hear and join in their conversation, or just waiting on the bartender. I knew that the fuckhead would be there, but I wasn't expecting the girl who blocked me to be there, which made things even more awkward. She didn't acknowledge me, which proves that the blocking wasn't a mistake, or just some FB glitch. After doing two songs, I decided I would do another two. But after a while, I just felt out of place, and I was like, "Fuck it, I'll just do this next song and go home."

It's funny to me that the best friend I've made in the past 2+ years is someone who found me on a dating app. She's helped keep my spirits up, and I try to keep her spirits up when needed.

The destruction of a person builds character! Part 2

 I have a freakishly long memory. Apparently, a lot of people on the Autism Spectrum do. I think one reason a lot of people are happy is because they forget so much, and don't have so much trauma piling up in their heads. I'm not so lucky. I'm still haunted by stupid shit I've said or done 30 to 40 years ago. It's possible that I perceive time differently from most people because of this, like 20 years ago is a long time ago, but it probably doesn't feel as long to me as most people. Having a long memory is probably why I have a hard time getting over stuff, and can hold a grudge indefinitely.

The Promoter and his promotion have an event every December involving Krampus. I had never gone before, but I decided to go last year despite my falling out with him since a lot of friends would be there, it was in a fairly large venue that was neutral territory, namely the same place where I mentioned going to do karaoke in Part 1, but most importantly, there was probably fuck-all going on anywhere else. I had no idea how The Promoter would react to my being there. I figured one of two things would happen: either he would ignore me, or he would kick me out.

One "friend" who I knew would be there was actually working the show. She was someone who Friend Requested me on Facebook the previous Spring. We had a lot of fun talking for a couple of days, met up right after that, and...she seemed to lose all interest in hanging out. I eventually gave up messaging her. Anyway, she's the one I'm referring to as The Other Woman. She was one of the first people I saw before I went in. I mentioned my falling out with The Promoter to her. I only mentioned it because she asked me if I was going to get my picture taken with Krampus, and I told her probably not if The Promoter was playing Krampus, which it turns out he wasn't.

The Acquaintance had a booth there, promoting his variety troupe and their next show that was coming up in April. I told him that I wasn't sure how The Promoter was going to react to my being there, and I'm pretty sure I also said that The Promoter can eat a dick.

Why would I talk shit about a promoter at his own event? Because I'm a dumbass who will never learn how to "people" properly!

When I finally did see The Promoter, he was actually nice to me! I wondered if he had completely forgotten about our argument and him unfriending me, but that's when I remembered that some people have so much going on that they forget and get over a lot of shit. As I told some friends, him being cordial was not on my bingo card. I figured I'd let bygones be bygones and let it go.

The Artist had a booth there. He ended up giving me his Krampus print. Miss Thang went all out getting made up like Krampus. Twenty was also there, I didn't really talk to him much. I took selfies with lots of friends, saw some good bands. The only real downside was that before I left, I mentioned getting a selfie to The Other Woman. She was like, "A selfie?". I may have turned around and talked to a friend or one of her coworkers, and when I turned back around, she was gone! I was afraid that I might have crossed some boundary and scared her off. But I still messaged her the next day saying it was good to see her, and was sorry that I didn't get to say "Bye" before I left. She never replied. Other than that, it was a wonderful night. I was feeling good about myself. This was on a Saturday night, so I had to work early the next morning and had stayed up past my bedtime, but it was worth it. I had been watching "Dragon Ball Daima" around that time, and the last line of the of the opening title song as translated in the subtitles goes, "I want to meet someone amazin' again tomorrow!" That was how I felt for most of the week after the event. I wish I could have that much fun every day.

The Friday morning following the event, I saw that I had one less friend on Facebook. It was The Other Woman. I guess I did scare her off. But Facebook will occasionally unfriend two people without their knowledge, and I had learned that instead of assuming the worst, it sometimes helps to ask the other person if they unfriended you, because they probably didn't! So I messaged and asked her if she unfriended me, that I was sorry if I made her uncomfortable, and that I was asking because sometimes Facebook will unfriend people. She never replied. I posted on Facebook that while I've accepted the fact that I will never learn how to "people" properly, it still hurts when someone rejects me. Or to paraphrase Stone Temple Pilots, I think someone's kinda neat, and they tell me I'm a creep. I also mentioned that someone who was at the event apparently wasn't as happy to see me as I was them. Miss Thang commented, saying that it probably doesn't help with peopling to make posts like that. And that maybe not speaking negatively loudly about promoters at their own events would help, because people see and hear things. When I read that, I was like "Well, shit." I guess word got back around to The Promoter. I sent her a few responses, she didn't reply to any of them, I don't know if she even saw or read them. One response was that The Promoter was a dick to me, and that I really won that particular round of "Peopling". I noticed not much later that The Artist unfriended me. Miss Thang unfriended me the next day. Then the following Monday, I saw that the guy I had known for twenty years unfriended me. That really hurt, but he can be a self-righteous prick. The Promoter's "club" page had still been following me on Instagram, but they unfollowed me, and I also got blocked from the "club"'s Facebook page.

I felt like the good time I had the previous Saturday was a lie.

I assume that these people were butthurt because I talked shit about their buddy. It's also possible that someone could've heard me talking to a friend or two about The Artist and how he got to take his girlfriend to concerts I wanted to go to (and should've been taking her) but couldn't, and he was kinda living the life I should've been living. Some people would probably call that talking shit, but I really spoke highly of him and was envious. By Christmas Eve, I was no longer mad at The Promoter, and even sent him a message apologizing for being a jackass. I don't think he saw it, it sent as a Message Request. But getting unfriended by four people over the course of a weekend really fucked me up. Like, what do the Three Fuckheads think I do at home, plot revenge? No, I'm just over here chilling with my cats and watching movies and Youtube videos! I was isolated all Winter and felt like I had no friends, which wasn't technically true, but I only got to see people at my favorite venue's monthly karaoke and monthly Goth/Industrial Nights, so about twice a month.

Are these people happy that I was alone and fucking miserable? Does the destruction of a person really build character, as Superjoint Ritual so eloquently put it? Because I was completely and utterly destroyed, and it didn't build shit except more bitterness. I couldn't move on until I really got to hang out with friends again.

The destruction of a person builds character! Part 1

I always feel like I'm just one fuckup away from losing friends. And people wonder why I'm always so stressed out. It has happened before, it will probably happen again. Sometimes, those "friends" are just assholes. Here are a few stories of times within the past year(!) where I fucked up and lost "friends". 

In my previous entry, which I recommend reading before starting on this one, I mentioned that I realized last Summer that I was never going to "people" properly. This was after an incident that involved a woman I met at the beginning of 2024 who I happened to first hear the term "neurospicy" from. We ended up not talking a lot after we friended up on Facebook. I messaged her at the end of February asking how she was doing, got no response. That Summer, she invited me to a neurodivergent goalsetting group on Facebook. One Saturday last July, I asked my best friend that morning what she was up to that day, she didn't reply until much, much later that day. I was super depressed and needed someone to talk to, and during that time before my best friend finally responded, I saw that the woman I met at the beginning of the year was online. Instead of asking "How are you?", I decided to tell her a story about something that was bugging me that was related to the group, but I didn't want to share in the group because reasons. Well, she said she wasn't going to read all that. Long story short, she interpreted what I thought was an attempt at starting a conversation as me trying to make her my therapist, and after a little back-and-forth that was civil on my end, she told me she was blocking me because she didn't need more work to do. Jesus fucking Christ, I can see how it could've been interpreted as me needing a therapist, but I would've just left her bitch ass alone, blocking me was unnecessary. This was an example of two neurodivergents mixing like oil and water.

I hate Winter, and I was especially miserable from December 2024 until about the end of March. Some of this was weather related, since January and February were fucking cold and occasionally icy, and March was downright stormy and soggy. But it had more to do with being isolated, especially after having been unfriended by four people over the course of one weekend in December, three of whom I believe unfriended me because of someone who unfriended me in November, and then not hanging out with anybody outside of a couple of monthly events, not even my best friend, who had her share of adversity in November and December. I made a new friend at the end of March, and hanging out with her has helped me get over last Winter's bullshit some. But I feel like I need to tell this story one last time and put it on the record. Before I start, I have to list the cast of characters:

• The Promoter
• The (Gay) Acquaintance (I'm still Facebook friends with him)
• The Other Woman (Someone I had met the previous Spring who, unlike the rest of the cast, is only loosely connected to The Promoter at best)

And then there are The Three Fuckheads, who consist of:

• Miss Thang (An ex-crush)
• The Artist (He's been Miss Thang's boyfriend since last Summer)
• Twenty (Close friend of Miss Thang, and someone I had known for twenty years)

As of October 2024, I had been Facebook friends with The Promoter for three and a half years, but I was starting to get the impression that he was getting a little irritated with my online presence, namely my comments or responses to his friends' comments. I first noticed something was off when a comment I made about not knowing he had been in a local band who opened for a touring band I went to see in 2010 was deleted. Later in October, he started a fun post asking people which band had the better discography, Judas Priest or Iron Maiden. Not who was better, but who ultimately had the better albums. I played along and gave my answer, he Liked it. One friend of his essentially said that it depends on the period of time, like now versus ten, twenty, thirty, or forty years ago. But what intrigued me was his last paragraph:

"That being said, the Priest vs. Maiden thing doesn't always make sense when you consider the differences in origin, style, performance, etc."

 That was interesting to me because I always found people pitting Priest versus Maiden funny because Priest had a lot of albums out by the time Maiden's first album came out. I replied to the guy and said as much, along with mentioning another commenter's "Elvis vs. Beatles" comment, and saying that pitting Priest versus Maiden is like pitting Black Sabbath against Witchfinder General or St. Vitus. This guy Liked my response. He responded with some good points, and I Liked it. Then The Promoter responded to me with:

"If you don't understand the question don't comment on the post? It's not about pitting fans of the bands against each other. Or which band is better."

I apologized, saying that I was just having fun, and also pointed out the flaws in my response to his friend. But seriously? I don't get out much and pretty much live on Facebook, this is sometimes the most interaction I get outside of work on my work days. I showed one of my best friends screen shots of this exchange. She does not know the promoter personally, but she concluded that he's a massive dick, and that I shouldn't have bothered apologizing to him.

Fast forward to November 6th. Waking up to the election results was bad enough, but I also discovered that a friend who I absolutely adored and never got to know as well as I would've liked had died. This was made even more tragic by the fact that her husband died just three and a half years before, and they had a very young child who would grow up without either parent. The world had really gone to shit. But my favorite venue's monthly karaoke was that night, and I would be celebrating my birthday there although my actual birthday was still a few days away. I went out for coffee before karaoke, and was scrolling down my feed on Facebook. The (Gay) Acquaintance shared a post about how The Heritage Foundation's Director Of Finance was the owner of Hobby Lobby, and he added that there are all kinds of similar places to shop that aren't trying to make life harder for kids who are like him. I Liked the post. The Promoter commented that Hobby Lobby and Bucc-ee's both give millions to hate groups. I knew about Hobby Lobby, but Bucc-ee's was news to me. The Acquaintance replied that he didn't understand why everybody loved Bucc-ee's, and thought it was common knowledge that they donate to hate groups. I replied to him that it's not that well known, especially with Bucc-ee's being a fairly new entity in Kentucky. The Promoter piped in responding to me with:

"It takes 2 mins to look up a company's politics. 2 mins."

For some reason, probably due to his previous antagonism, this set me off. I told him that I don't have the time to look up every god damn company, and even my gay Progressive brother FROM TEXAS(!) has even less time to look this shit up and he probably didn't even know about Bucc-ee's either. Then The Promoter responded with:

get the fuck out of here with that "do you know how many there are" crap.

Next is well, I gotta shop somewhere, don't I?

 The best response I could come up with at the time was, "Uh, no." Because seriously, what the fuck? All I was saying was that it wasn't common knowledge. Maybe it wouldn't have gone down like that had I said in my first comment that I'll boycott them and spread the word now that I know.

Right afterward, I made a passive-aggressive post goofing on the fact that we're all supposed to know this, but I included a link to an article about Bucc-ee's CEO giving money to some asshole politician in Texas. A couple of minutes later, I saw that The Promoter unfriended me. I'm guessing he unfriended me after the comments, I doubt he saw my post, but I edited that post to go from passive-aggressive to aggressive-aggressive, even calling him out.

Not long after that, I saw Twenty post about the karaoke going on that night. I commented that I'd be there celebrating my birthday. I then saw The Promoter comment that he'd be there. I thought, "Oh, joy." 😒 It was funny though, I sat in the very front, The Promoter sat in the very back. The Three Fuckheads sat with him. Miss Thang didn't acknowledge me until she was on her way out, giving me a hug and wishing me a happy birthday. I had told a few people about the argument between me and The Promoter before the event and our falling out, but not everyone. Like, I didn't tell the Fuckheads because I didn't think they needed to know, this was strictly between me and The Promoter. I wasn't trying to turn anyone against him, I was, and still am, fine with people being friends with both of us, I was just saying he's an asshole.

I got confirmation from my gay Progressive brother from Texas that he didn't know that Bucc-ee's CEO gave money to Gregg Abbott and other fuckheads, so the Promoter can get the fuck outta here with that shit.

To be continued.

 

Why is it hard for me to make "close" friends?

I love the term "neurospicy". I considered in the recent past changing the name of this blog to "The Neurospice Must Flow".

I've been trying to figure out for about thirty years, if not longer, why I have so much trouble making and keeping real friendships. I have a ton of acquaintances, and I'm lucky to get to see some of them a couple of times a month at events that are too loud for me to socialize properly in. But I can count the number of people I could truly call close friends on one hand. The only neurodivergence I've officially been diagnosed with is Central Auditory Processing Disorder. It tends to overlap a lot with ADHD. These can definitely affect your social life, but it doesn't stop everyone. There's also the fact that I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. Being from a dysfunctional family alone can fuck you up as an adult, having some kind of neurodivergence on top of that definitely doesn't help.

I have not been tested for autism, but I think there is a good probability that I'm on the autism spectrum, so I'm self-diagnosed. It would explain a lot, like why I feel constantly drained, why I feel overwhelmed by big crowds and sensory overload, and why just getting through another day feels like a victory. Possibly even AuDHD? I've been watching a lot of videos from people on the spectrum, especially people diagnosed later in life, and one thing that comes up often is having very few real friends, and people just plain disliking us. I've noticed that a lot of attractive women with ASD Youtube channels have partners, but attractive women tend to have an advantage over mediocre looking guys in the romance department in general, that's not limited to neurodivergence.

One thing I've observed is that neurodivergent people in creative fields seem to do better socially than those of us who are not creative. This is especially true for people who work in live theater. I can think of one person in particular who I have known for 21 years who works on tons of projects, and has tons of friends and no trouble dating. She's also super hot, which helps with the latter. I actually love performing. My performing these days is limited to singing karaoke, where I can just read the words off a screen. I'm not a great singer, but I'm not terrible, and I have far more confidence on stage than off. I've had people tell me that they love seeing me perform because it's obvious how much fun I'm having up there. I actually had a lead role in a play when I was in 8th grade. The other kids were amazed at how good I was at memorizing lines, and I really worked on my character. But boy, was it draining! I think I'd rather do film acting than live theater. Doing voiceover work has crossed my mind, but I wouldn't know where to go to see if I'd be a good fit or have a future in it.

Trying to make friends since 2021 has been very strange. Seems like most people I meet in real life and then connect with on social media have plenty of friends already, and no real desire to get to know me beyond a superficial level. I think some people would like me if they got to know me on my terms, which would be one on one at a place that's public, but not too noisy. But I can't make anyone want to get to know me. Hell, a lot of people I'd love to get to know better are homebodies like me, getting them to meet up is like pulling teeth. I'm better off just making new friends on dating apps! 😆

I'm a little too close to 50 for comfort. I thought I'd be much more socially advanced at this age than I actually am, like I was going to find the key to unlock the secret to having a normal-ish social life that seems to come naturally to neurotypicals. Young me also thought I would've done a lot more dating and had more sex, but that's a story that may or may not get told another time. It occurred to me last Summer that I was never going to "people" properly, but knowing this doesn't make getting rejected or shunned hurt any less. The purpose of this entry is really to be a prologue to the next episode, "The destruction of a person builds character!"

Another bump...

 Back in July, I moved my computer and desk to the living room in hopes that having it in the same room as the tv would motivate me to get on the computer more. It hasn't. I still have plenty of projects I want to do on a computer, as well as stuff to write about in this blog, I just have no desire to sit at my computer in the apartment, especially when I can just watch Youtube videos on my tv. I'd rather go out to a coffee shop and do computer stuff there, but I would need a new laptop, and that's not high on my priority list right now. Getting new tires for my car is my top priority for now, followed by getting a 4K blu-ray player.

Maybe connecting the computer to the tv would help? I doubt it, but it might be worth looking into.

One positive thing to come out of moving the computer to the living room is that a lot of junk that I had in the living room has moved to the storage room, so there's less of an eyesore in the living room. Now, if I could only organize the storage room.

Bump

I have lots of stuff I want to write about, but despite having a working PC now, I've had no desire to sit in my Computer Room and do it. The next time I post is anyone's guess.

Computer update!

 I'm just stopping in to say that I have a working desktop PC again! I had my ex-brother-in-law look at the desktop PC I had been using since 2020, not just to fix it, but to upgrade it as well. He couldn't really do everything we both wanted with the chassis of the old computer, so he fixed up a computer that he had sitting around. I'm very happy with it, it's much faster, and no more freezing up after a couple of minutes of idling. Hopefully I'll get to do more blogging soon. I'd start up a whole new entry, but I had a busy morning, and just want to retreat to the sofa.