I got to thinking recently that I wish I had made use of the guidance counselors at my high school, whether it was for dealing with depression and all the bullshit I was going through, which I was kind of in denial about, or trying to work on getting into a college. (Then again, maybe they were as useless as Randal in the movie "Clerks" said they were?) Back in the Spring of 1993, when I was a Sophomore in high school, I spent part of my Spring Break with my brother at his college. I felt more at home there than I did at my own school with people my own age. I didn't really know what I wanted to study in college, maybe Psychology, but I knew that I wanted to go right out of high school, mostly due to my previous experience, but also so I could get out of the house. But I ultimately didn't go because I couldn't get the financial aid I was hoping for since my family wasn't poor enough to qualify, but they also weren't rich enough to help pay for it. I didn't really entertain the notion of going to school again until about 2003. Had I been able to tough it out in Austin a few more months, I probably would've been going to Austin Community College at the end of Summer/beginning of Fall that year. But instead, I moved back to Kentucky, worked pizza delivery for about a year and a half, and then worked at Main ex-Employer from November 2004 until I got laid off in November 2008.
Most of the jobs I've worked have been warehouse or factory type work, usually not involving forklifts*, and not having to deal directly with the public. Basically, stuff that a trained monkey could do. While some people might consider me intelligent, I always felt like a dumbass at these jobs because I was merely adequate at best. The main thing is that they want you to work FAST, and for some reason I'm unable to move my arms/hands/fingers at a constant rate as fast as most people. Thus, I don't deal well with quotas. One of the nice things about moving into the Photo department at Main ex-Employer was that I discovered talents that weren't of much use when working in the warehouse. In fact, my talents got me a promotion. The fact that I was able to work my way up in the company made getting laid off that much harder on my self esteem, because no matter where I went I was going to have start back from the bottom, and wasn't likely to work my way up into a position like the one I had.
One career that I've had some interest in is being a sound engineer for a recording studio. But since it's not an "in demand" job, government money isn't going to help pay for it. Most people who know better say that going to school for it is a waste of time, and you're better off getting started in that field by being an intern or apprentice. Some people tell me that to be an intern or apprentice somewhere, you have to be going to school. So, I guess that leaves me with having to go to a "real school". Of the programs that most schools have, I figure my best bet would be something nerd-ish, like IT, or some kind of programming. But I'd hate to spend thousands of dollars just to find out that I suck in my then-chosen profession, to which I'd probably have to spend thousands more dollars on a profession that I might also possibly suck at. I'm pretty sure I don't want to get into the medical field because I'm afraid that I'd end up killing someone by accident. All I know is that this general labor thing isn't working out.
As you can probably tell, I have a lot of anxiety issues. Looking at college programs is pretty overwhelming. But do you know what else overwhelms me? Looking at job ads. Doing either one makes me want to curl up into a fetal position. Most of the jobs that I know I'm qualified for are temp or seasonal, so the likelihood of getting hired on at one of these places is pretty low. I seem to be overqualified for restaurant jobs, or underqualified for any job that requires education beyond a high school diploma or a couple of years previous experience in some particular field. As if I don't have enough to worry about, I have my dad riding my ass to find a job. He's under the impression that I don't want to work, and doesn't seem to understand that I think working is preferable to being pestered by him. When I'm working, I really do fear getting let go because I don't want to deal with him. My mom isn't usually much help either. Seriously, if I'm not looking for work or doing some work around the house, my main goals are to (1)entertain myself in order to retain my sanity, and (2)try not to piss off my dad. Unfortunately, doing #1 tends to lead to #2. One thing that my dad has a problem with is that I'm not out "pounding the pavement". In this day and age, that's seriously a waste of time and gas since most places are just going to tell you to apply online. And this isn't just me saying that, I've talked to or read about all kinds of people with the same experience. But does my dad believe me? No. He hasn't had to look for work since the mid to late 1970s, so what does he know? Hell, he was lucky that he was Union, most of the places I've worked at wouldn't have let him get away with some of the shit he pulled off at his old job.
In conclusion, I could really use some help on this school thing, but don't know where to start. I could also use some good therapy, but can't afford it. I've tried Vocational Rehab, but they haven't been as much help as I was hoping. My own place would be nice too, but I can't afford that, either. If I do go to school, I figure having a place of my own would be good, because I can't really study at my mom and dad's place.
*I HATE FORKLIFTS! For some reason, I can't get a hang of them as fast as the average person. The bigger ones I've been on steer from the rear wheels, it's like trying to operate a pallet jack using a steering wheel. They're much easier to drive in reverse! Then there's the forks, I have a lot of trouble trying to tell where they're at, so I'm liable to put the forks in a place where I didn't intend them. And I can't seem to drive them at an adequate speed, I either drive them too fast or too slow. The only forklift type device I've ever used that I liked using was basically a motorized pallet jack, because, you know, it's basically a glorified pallet jack.
No comments:
Post a Comment