Zugzwang

One of my current favorite TV shows is "Lodge 49". I don't know if I'm totally correct, but it seems to do a good job of showing the myriad humiliating ways in which people try to make a living, whether it be pyramid schemes, legit sales work, or having to put up with corporate philosophy bullshit. I learned a new-to-me term from the most recent episode, the term and the episode title both being "Zugzwang". From Urban Dictionary:

German word for "compulsion to move." Zugzwang is a term used in chess when it's your turn to move a piece, but regardless of where you move, you will be at a disadvantage. In other words Zugzwang is when you need to move, but you don't want to because of the terrible conditions.

I feel like my life is a neverending zugzwang. Like Ernie from Lodge 49 said, "It doesn't matter if we make the smart choice or the stupid choice, we wind up worse off anyway!"

My dad got really sick around Labor Day weekend. He goes to doctor appointments regularly, but he has a bad habit of not going to the doctor when he feels bad to the point where he's forced to be hospitalized. On the Sunday morning before Labor Day, he was breathing hard, and could barely move, causing him to piss himself. He didn't want me to call 911, but I did it anyway, because as much as I might hate him at times, I'm not going to leave him to suffer in his own filth. He was admitted to a hospital, and discharged himself at the end of the week, before they were ready to let him go, because he got mad that they wouldn't let him put his stoma in so he could talk. But anyway, I was so god damned stressed that Labor Day weekend that I called in that Monday and Tuesday night.

I got to go to the Saturday installment of the Louder Than Life festival. It was a pretty good time, I just wish it hadn't been so hot, and that I had had more money for food. It happened to come around the same time as my car payment and cell phone bill, which was about half my check. One thing I was hoping to avoid was having to get a phone charging locker, but I had to get one because my four-year-old phone was already down to 50% before the first or second bands even finished playing. I would've been better off financially these past few weeks if I hadn't gone, but damn it, I finally got to see Suicidal Tendencies, and I even got to see Guns n' Roses play a few songs. I wish I could've stayed for more of GnR's set, but they started forty minutes late, I had been there all day and was exhausted, and it was an extremely long walk back to the car.

I'm only sixty days into my ninety day probationary period at Moisture Farm, and it's been the longest two months I've had in a long time. I totally can't stand that place anymore, and am trying not to melt down or rage-quit before I even get my insurance. I need to find a new career before next Summer, because that place gets too damned hot, and I can't take any more of these Peak seasons encroaching on Halloween, my birthday, and Thanksgiving.

On a related note, I make $14.50 an hour. That's almost twice what I made working at a computer company this time twenty years ago, when $7+ an hour was well over the minimum wage of $4.25. And yet, I feel poorer now than I did twenty years ago. It's not like I'm buying tons of music or movies, and I haven't even gone to see a movie since July, nor am I going to a lot of concerts. Hell, I've put off buying a lot of stuff that needs replacing. I feel like I'm being punished whenever I try to make my own life more bearable. Meanwhile, rich people are making more money than they know what to do with. Something's got to give.