Blue Period

I found out on Saturday that another guy from my crew got fired for calling in too many times, leaving our crew down to six people, seven if you include the new lead guy. I was only scheduled to work three days this week. I might try to volunteer to work on Thursday, even though it's one of the support group nights. I'm scheduled to work both Tuesday and Thursday next week, so I won't get to go to the group at all then.

Speaking of the group, I was talking to a girl from the group last Thursday, and she asked me what I was doing for Labor Day. I told her that I'd probably just stay home and eat grilled food. It didn't occur to me until later that a better response might have been, "Why? You Wanna hang out?", or something like that. That kind of thing happens all the time, and is possibly the biggest reason why I've never been in a relationship. Granted, this girl doesn't date in the group, but it would've been nice to hang out with somebody, especially since my dad didn't do any grilling on Labor Day. Instead, him and my mom went out shopping and ate at Golden Corral. Had I been invited to something, I would've went out, but I purposely didn't go to a movie or coffee shop or anywhere because I didn't want to exploit the people who had to work.

I've been feeling lately like I have nothing to say. Not in here mind you, but to people in general. I don't really talk to my friends unless I see them out somewhere, and that's really just a select few people and not very often. Sometimes, I'll feel like messaging somebody on Facebook or wherever, and ultimately decide not to because I have nothing to say. It's even worse when I get on a dating site and want to message somebody who might seem date-worthy, because I feel like I'll come across as a total nut-job or something. On that note, I went to a bar about a month ago to celebrate a friend's birthday. I had a few friends there, but I was determined to try to talk a female who I didn't know before I left. Not any one in particular, just one. I failed. For one, I was paralyzed with fear trying to figure out what I was going to say, and second, I hate approaching people who are already talking to people, because I feel rude if I interrupt. But then if I approach somebody and try to wait for an opening to introduce myself, instead of just barging in like most normal people seem to do, and hang around not saying anything while waiting for that opening, those people are probably thinking, "Who is this creep?" It sucks being an introvert sometimes.

This past Thursday, Friday and Saturday were oppressively hot, at least by September-in-Kentucky standards, like around 100 degrees with a heat index of 108. These past three days have been at least 30 degrees cooler and rainy. I hate when the weather changes drastically like that. As if I didn't have enough to be depressed about, the gloomy wet weather seems to have activated my Seasonal Affective Disorder. I don't care for it being really hot, and we could've used some rain, but damn! I wish some of the rain would go to Texas, where they really need it. I don't regret going off of Lexapro, but I have been wondering if I should've tried some other antidepressant. But since I don't have insurance anyway, how would I have paid for it? I can't help but think sometimes that it was brilliant (sarcasm implied) of Main ex-Employer to lay off the guy who was emotionally hanging by a thread as it was.

Something's got to give.

(Suggested listening: Blown To...:The Best of The Smithereens)